Spent the weekend in a dark place. Today I spent a lot of time napping and reading a fantasy story about a queen’s herald and her magical horse.
I wish I was a different person.
I need to get it together for work tomorrow.
I talked to two friends this weekend and didn’t mention what I’m going through to either of them. But it’s so heavy – it’s like being run over by a truck but chatting about other things.
One thing is, I don’t know how to talk about it. I remembered I was lost in the forest? That doesn’t even make sense.
If I knew what the forest is supposed to mean…..it’s not connected to real life for me. It must be symbolic – I felt lost as a child….I don’t know. It seemed very real to me when I was experiencing it. And the feelings were definitely from the past – they kind of sprung out.
So this weekend I get the feelings of being very lost, alone, and hugely sad….but I don’t have the story that should go with it.
Before this forest scenario happened, Ron said I keep secrets. I don’t confront my parents with what happened in the past – the abuse, my father freezing me out. He felt that’s why I’m upset with A bringing our private conversation into the group.
I don’t see the correspondence myself. That conversations was not a secret, exactly. I’d thought it was private though. It did make me look like I was trashing Ron. I wasn’t, in that conversation, though I know I have on this blog.
Ron says it’s the principle – keeping secrets. The group should have primacy. People can’t withhold things.
I think there’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. I don’t understand why A felt he needed to bring this in.
Anyway, I’m thinking about what I tell people. How do you talk about trauma? It’s overwhelming, and I don’t know how to talk about it. I’m also not sure that my friends would want to know.
It’s feeling like a secret. How I really feel has almost always been a secret. I didn’t want people to notice I was not happy, in case they thought I was crazy.
As to talking to my parents about the unhappy past – I don’t see how that will help me. They won’t understand. I think I’ll feel worse when they respond angrily.
I feel like I can’t tell anyone much of anything.