Deer Boy

Towards the end of therapy this happened. We talked about why I’d left the group for a break….

E. That black voice is back again lately. It was getting loud in the group, so I left.

We sit. We’d been discussing other aspects of the group, my anger at A, things that happened there.

E. I feel like there are things I want to talk about with you but I don’t know what they are.

R. Maybe other parts of you want to speak?

E. I don’t know…I know I feel sad. But foggy sad. I don’t know what I’m sad about.

R. Maybe other parts? What is the black suicide voice saying?

E. She feels angry. Like she hates the group and everyone in it. You too. They should all just fuck off.

R. What’s it like for her?

E. Everything is just black. The world can’t be trusted. There’s no one to trust….I’m going to let her talk.

Switches.

E. So….everything is black. And….I’m like lost in a forest.

Starts crying.

E. I’m lost in a forest and it’s black and there are animals….and I’m by myself. There is no one else there.

Really crying a lot. This has just hit me over the head out of nowhere.

R. Am I there with you?

E. No. You’re not in the forest. I’m by myself.

R. Maybe I could be in the blackness with you so it isn’t so scary.

E. I don’t know how to do that….

R. How could I be there with you? How could we get some light in there?

E. We could be there and we could….maybe we could make a campfire? Because campfires are bright.

I’m crying the whole time.

I get a few minutes to get it together to leave his office.

I seem to have a part that thinks she is stuck in a dark woods, by herself and lost.

Here is a tale I found about this whole scenario.The illustration is a diorama by Gosia.

diorama* Deer Boy took me to his favourite spot in the forest… * One night, when the forest grew dark with the night, Deer Boy, who lived in the forest, found a little girl crying. She was frightened, because she got lost in the forest and was afraid of being there at night. Deer Boy decided he would take care of her until the day returned. He took her under his wing, and spent the night showing her that the forest at night is a magical place, not a scary one. They watched the dance of the fireflies. They feasted at the glowing faeries’ celebrations. They climbed up a hill to Deer Boy’s favourite spot, where the stars were the brightest and appeared close to their reach. The little girl was touched by all the beauty and her fear of the forest at night disappeared. She returned home safely that day, but she often visits Deer Boy and her new forest friends late at night.

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13 comments
  1. Grace said:

    That’s a beautiful tale. I hope it can be comforting for your part xx

    • Ellen said:

      I did find this extremely comforting thank you dear Grace / Juliet. Sometimes I just need a fairy tale with a happy ending. There are happy endings in this world, I just keep forgetting about them. xox

  2. It’s interesting that the part of you that feels suicidal and hopeless feels that the world is physically black. I’ve always thought of entering that despairing place as a blackness coming over me, and we do associate dark with despair and evil in the Western world generally, but I really was hooded or blindfolded and could not see during the scariest instances of abuse.

    I’m glad you found some comfort.

    • Ellen said:

      I’m so sorry that happened to you Ashana.

      In some spaces I find fairy tales very comforting. take care

      • Thank you. Stories can be very comforting.

  3. Sometimes learning to enjoy the dark is a way towards self empowerment. I love the story of the deer boy. I think it is a huge step that you could tell Ron how you were feeling instead of sitting quietly. Hugs the crying I hope was helpful. Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      I love the story also. Thanks Ruth

  4. kp said:

    I love this post…you sound so close to finding someone in the dark forest who will make it less scarey for you. And I hear that Ron is willing to come into the forest to be with you. Kim

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, that’s what he said. I’m not believing it today but I did believe it at some point. It was nice that he said that. thanks.

  5. Gel said:

    This is wonderful to read. I think of a story, and the telling of a story like this as a way to be in a ‘witnessing’ role. Instead of something happening to one, you can be the story teller, a bit detached from the story but still telling it….like framing something with a larger context. Not sure if that is coming out how I want.

    Also if a story that you resonate with is looked at the way we look at a dream, where each thing in the dream is a part of our selves….then it can have more depth of meaning. It sounds like you relate to the girl….So I wonder if you relate to the deer boy? Is there a part of you that can be the deer boy in your life? If the forest is symbolic of your life and the scary parts of the forest are negative stuff from your past but also scary stuff about the present….then there is also magical wonderful stuff in amongst the scary stuff just like in this story.

    Just a little ramble. I like it when I find a story that has a strong affect on me. I also like fantasy stories. Have you read the Darkover novels by Marion Zimmer Bradley? I love those…and her ‘Mists of Avalon’…that one moved me deeply.

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting – I hadn’t thought of stories that way but it makes sense. I had related deer boy to Ron, because he asked if he could be with me in the blackness…It could be a nurturing part of myself, that’s true. I know there are good things about my childhood also, along with the bad.

      Thanks for the book recommend! I just downloaded a Darkover novel, Rediscover, and am enjoying so far. I really like fantasy with strong women characters, and this one has that. I was reading two from the Valdemar series by Mercedes Lackey.

      take care

      • Gel said:

        Well if you like strong women characters then you’ll probably like most or all the Darkover novels. Something I like about the series is that it is set on a planet that is not rich in fossil fuels (or maybe it’s metal poor), so people couldn’t develop technologies with materials like we have on earth. there fore people develop their psychic abilities instead. That’s pretty interesting.
        ;->

        • Ellen said:

          Something about psychic powers fascinates me too. Maybe it kind of validates other ways we have of gathering information besides logic….Enjoying the book so far.

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