The kitchen sink

I am currently depressed. I finally gave up on the day late in the afternoon and had a nap. Everything became just too painful. It was too painful to move, too painful to read even. What is the point of reading when nothing at all matters?

I don’t know why. Everything is the same. Today I feel all the pain of my life, but my life hasn’t greatly changed. I am alone, as I was yesterday also. Friendships are a bit on the shallow side. Though friends would help if I needed something physically. One friend will even meet me at a cafe on demand, more or less.

Group is the same. I feel a lot worse about A. One night when I couldn’t sleep I felt so upset with him. Stupid, since he’s just a group person, i.e., not in my life at all. Last group, he asked why I even bother coming when I keep not trusting Ron. Then he brought in details of conversations we’d had in the summer, which had nothing to do with group. I feel so betrayed that he would do that. About how apparently I’d said he made me feel better about therapy. So what if I said that. I was likely trying to say something nice to him.

He always said how much he enjoyed talking with me. He made a special point of always expressing that. And it turns out he had this deep anxiety about my not trusting therapy and somehow using him to feel better about it? That’s what he has said.

Which is ironic, because actually, he makes me worried about Ron’s therapy. A has been seeing Ron for many years and seems deeply stuck. He seems to be copying Ron’s speech patterns, he wants to be a therapist also, he wants to go to the same school Ron went to. He’s in his mid-thirties, so he doesn’t have eons of time to get it together. And in group, he doesn’t work on his stuff, just comments on other people’s in that ‘therapist’ kind of a way. He has a low paid part-time job, when he’s well educated and capable.

Well, no one else remarks on this, so maybe it’s my own problem, that this bothers me. And really, is it my business? Not really.

Meantime, he has really hurt my feelings. I might mention that he has, but I’m not bringing up my concerns about him again. I’ve done that, not in detail, but in general, and he did not respond in any way except to attack me the next group. So I’ll leave him alone. It’s not my job to help him progress.

It goes to show I do not know who to trust. I’m trying to think what else we talked about on those walks, since he feels free to bring every thing I said into the group. Luckily we did not discuss group members, just Ron’s therapy and our personal lives.

I know from my experience with E that when a person really gets to me, it’s triggering something in me. Once I get over that, I see the person differently. So maybe that’s the case here.

I’m trying to figure out how to make this all healing. There is a way for me to be in group that feels healing….and the same in therapy. And it’s really by not coping. Not getting it all together. Letting bits and pieces and problems show. Being unperfect.

Having parts means knitting it together to go in front of the world. But trying to heal means letting it unravel. I get those things mixed up. Sometimes it is so hard to get it together to get out to therapy, be a normal person, that I cope to the maximum, and can’t let it unravel at all. Then it’s playing at being a therapy client. I truly do my best, but it’s from the wrong angle as if.

One thing that’s different today – my boss wants to meet with me tomorrow, and I have a bad feeling about this. It’s to do with my doc coming back from QA, a department which is completely stupid, and whom I’ve had struggles with. Anyway, my boss wants obedience to QA. Over the years I’ve worked there, I thought I’d worked out an uneasy alliance with them. However, that was with a previous manager.

So I have a bad feeling. My boss is not able to understand anything technical about how word processing works – for her it’s all typing. QA is not a whole lot better in this, and it’s their whole job to understand this. Oh well. My boss has a block. She knows the details of her financial products inside and out. It’s not lack of brains.

So I fear there will be unpleasantness and misunderstandings and I will have to bow to complete silliness instigated by QA. Everything is political.

Deep breath. This should not be enough to depress me for a whole day. It’s just work.

I did manage to open all my mail – it’s been piling up for months. Not so hard. Still have a messy desk though – next step is to gather my tax slips in a folder. How hard can that be?

My nausea problem may be getting a bit better. I’ve had to stop eating chocolate. I am truly addicted to it – when I feel bad, I eat chocolate. I still have some. Today I just had to lie there and all I could do was resist the urge to get some. It takes the edge off emotional pain. But it’s a stomach irritant. Like coffee, which was easier to give up.

Anyway, as long as I don’t eat anything that trigger irritation, the nausea is so mild it’s just a sense. That feeling of extra saliva in your mouth, a slight uneasiness in the stomach. So this is not bad compared to how it was.

Plus, if cancer was causing it, it wouldn’t be affected by a bit of licorice and a pro-biotic, I wouldn’t think. So it’s good.

I overdrew my account this month. Not good. I realized I went to the dentist, naturopath, and had two extra therapy sessions. The two sessions were heavily discounted, but still. I am careful, and can transfer money from my savings, but I aim to live within my monthly paycheque. Makes me a little uneasy. And guilty for weakly going to extra therapy sessions which probably I didn’t even need.

This is really everything but the kitchen sink isn’t it. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Today I am grateful to have a naturopath who is helpful and kind.

  1. A lot is going on. Hugs. I will keep you in my prayers for tomorrow. Take care, Ruth

  2. Gel said:

    I got through the whole post…ha!
    this line really struck me: “Having parts means knitting it together to go in front of the world. But trying to heal means letting it unravel.” I can kind of grok that even though I don’t think of myself as having parts like you do.

    Boy I hear you on the whole food/eating thing….it’s like going through a mine field trying not to eat something that might trigger pain or nausea. I really love chocolate too. especially difficult to let that one go. But as you know I’ve found some relief for part of my tummy problems. Does your nausea come on after eating? Certain kinds of bacterial overgrowth in the stomach or small intestine can cause nausea.

    Good day to you.

    • Ellen said:

      Ha! 🙂 That line is actually important to me as it’s something that I’ve been realizing lately. One of my opinions is that you have to ‘let your problems out’ in order to heal them….It’s not a popular opinion, but it’s mine, lol. Also trying to think of the name of the book / movie where people grok – it’s such a great word.

      Yes it is like a minefield. Yes, it comes on after eating, to some extent depending on what I eat but not entirely either. Didn’t know that about the bacteria. I’ll go back to my naturopath and or doctor if this gluten free gig doesn’t pan out. Maybe I should get a scope also.


  3. hope your meeting with the boss went okay. fingers crossed it was just about the annoying department. office politics… sigh. 🙂

    i think “being unperfect” is a beautiful way to be… because underneath it all we are all “unperfect” … what you write reminds me of pema… you’ve read her in the past, right? when things fall apart? one of my favourite books.

    • Ellen said:

      The meeting was much better than I’d feared, thank you. I have a very decent boss. We didn’t actually disagree on anything. My fears are all exaggerated.

      I like what you say about unperfectionism. 🙂 I have read that one and often dip into it. I hadn’t thought of that connection at all though.

      Thank you Catherine.

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