A full day of sun, a balm for the cold windy spring days we’ve been having. Light is still pouring in my front window and it’s almost eight o’clock. This is my favorite time of year – long days, sun, so what if it’s a bit chilly. All that promise.
Today I went to a ‘Jazz Vespers’ with a local meetup group. Enjoyable. A jazz quartet, four older guys, but very cool and very good I thought. It’s a kind of jazz I wouldn’t listen to at home, with a vibraphone, kind of cool and intricate….but I did enjoy it live. The churchy part of the service was minimal. An enjoyable hour spent doing something new. I didn’t really meet my fellow meetup attendees – hard to tell who they were, and I didn’t feel like going for coffee hour. I didn’t really feel up to socializing anyway, so scooted out the door when it was over. That was fine.
I’m happy I’m feeling up to doing a few things again.
Therapy wise things are good. I once again feel Ron supports me and is helping me with things. The last session was difficult more in the sense that I relived a bit of the trauma from when I was a tiny child. That always scares and depresses me. But I switched out of it again after the session. Then I spoke to Ron on the phone that evening, which was reassuring also.
I don’t feel up to describing the session in detail. I am pretty fatigued still from the experience. We spoke about the previous nights’ group, where I’d discussed my troubles trusting Ron and wondering if he was a competent therapist. Sigh. When I then expressed how guilty I felt when I said things like this, Ron said that he’d expect everyone to ask themselves that at some point, it was a valid question. He’s nice like that.
Ron seemed to be trying not to trigger me into my mistrust during the session. We talked about how I like it when he reflects back to me what he hears me saying, when it’s important.
I remember Ron saying he thinks when I am afraid he is angry with me, even though he never is, but nevertheless I’m convinced he is, that a part of me is trying to tell him about when someone important did get angry and how hurtful it was. We end up calling that person ‘the mad choker’ because I always feel like I’m choking when this comes up.
I tune into the kid at that point, and sense a lot of confusion and tumultuous feelings. Then I switch into the kid entirely, in the middle of some kind of flashback. It was half and half – I was first mostly describing how the kid felt, then I switched into the kid entirely. At the very end of the session the kid started crying and couldn’t stop. Had trouble switching back out in order to leave. Ron was concerned in case I couldn’t drive.
But once out of his office, I calm down and can drive perfectly well. It’s all a matter of switching out.
I am relieved because at no point do I think that Ron caused this pain. It’s so clearly from something traumatic that happened to me which I cannot remember in the regular way. And it’s as if it goes behind a wall again. That sensation of a wall / fence / line is so strong it feels physically present.
I know I’m going to talk to Ron that evening, so I feel better. On the phone that night, I tell Ron about the line, and how things have retreated behind it, but that it still helps to talk to him. We talk maybe for five minutes.