Another session which has left me feeling really bad about Ron, my therapy and myself. I feel quite beaten up. Maybe if I get it down I’ll gain some clarity, though I’m not sure I can remember much about it.
It’s at 9:30 in the morning, ugh, I am down at that time of day most of the time. I’m five minutes late due to morning traffic.
E. Funny to be here so soon again.
I can’t remember how we started off. I mention his large coffee, and suddenly notice he has a lot of power outlets. Ron has a cough today. I didn’t look at him enough to remember what he was wearing – probably his blue grey sports jacket. He looks really down – sad and solemn. Maybe he has the same trouble I do mornings. Though I think of him more as having anxiety rather than depression.
E. I went to the dentist yesterday.
R. Were you triggered?
E. Actually not. That’s never happened before. Though I did shut down and go to sleep, I didn’t have the body memories I usually get.
E. I had a lot of the body memories on the weekend.
R. How come?
E. I really don’t know. Maybe they were as a result of my session Friday. At least last time, I didn’t think you were the cause of how I felt.
E. I had this dream on the weekend, and woke up with the body memories from that. It wasn’t even a scary dream, about being chased or attacked. Nothing like that. It was boring.
R. What was the dream?
E. Oh, I’m a man and I’m behind the counter at a hotel in the dessert. I’m in charge of switching people. Or towels. Or something. There was more but I forgot it right away.
R. So maybe the part of you that is in charge of switching is male. I think it’s a hopeful dream – that you’re more in touch with the part of you that controls switching. You want to be more aware of that part.
E. Maybe. Of course I thought of this also. There’s even the word switching in the dream. It just doesn’t seem to tell me anything I don’t know.
We sit in silence.
R. Have you considered more about the group? Are you leaving? What would you like me to tell them?
E. Well, I don’t know. Right now I feel like going back. I like the people, I miss them. But….the problem is, the group makes my relationship to you really bad. I lose trust that you’re on my side.
R. What would it look like, if I were on your side?
E. I don’t know, I’d feel it.
We sit in silence.
E. You said that for last time in group, I might have switched into a protector part. That could be right, I hadn’t thought of that. Do you see how when I’m in that part, I can’t respond to feedback about connecting? First I’d have to be aware of what was happening, then I’d need to either switch out or dialogue with that part. That part’s job isn’t ‘connecting’. So that feedback didn’t make a lot of sense.
R. When I talk, I talk to all of you. I think you can influence all parts.
We go back and forth on this a bit more. Ron never accepts that I couldn’t respond to the feedback. He seems to think it’s an act of willingness. So I give up on this.
R. You’ve said you don’t like the feedback I give, yet feedback is what my role requires.
We sit in silence.
Yep, it didn’t go well. I’m too discouraged to describe the rest right now. Not sure I can remember it anyway. Just a bunch of badness. Plus I couldn’t feel much, just hurt at how this was going.
I don’t need advice on leaving this therapy right now. I know it’s not going well and leaving is definitely on my mind. At the same time, I can’t stand to cut the chord of a relationship which has been helpful to me. I’m not sure I can stand the pain of that. The pain of a bad session will fade in a day or two, but leaving altogether is another story.
The way I tell it, also, is not objective. I can’t remember it clearly, I feel this really sad feeling about it all, so I piece it together in a way that supports that.