Does this look like some kind of squished Martian face to you? Just wondering….lol.
Therapy on Friday was better. I don’t feel like describing the blow by blow though. Maybe the feelings are more important than the words exchanged anyway. I still have anxiety driving to therapy, but it’s a lot lower than last year at least. And not being triggered by group was a nice change – that made less mess to address it seemed.
We got into the emails I’d sent Ron right away. I’d printed them out. Funny, they made me cringe reading them once I was no longer angry and triggered. Even the ones that weren’t angry.
We went over what had happened at group the week before. I told Ron he was asking too much of me, that I couldn’t respond to his comments on ‘connecting’ when I was in this space. I thought it was a traumatized child part actually. That part attacks. It’s not obvious, like the kid is, because this part is older and her mind is more mature. Doesn’t mean it’s not a kid part. It seems to me when this part is triggered, it runs on a track and she can’t really respond to adult type comments on connecting with others. Her job is to protect by attacking.
Ron mulled this over a bit. The tone of our conversations was thoughtful, rather than angry as the previous one had been. Ron seemed to be making an effort to see things at least partially the way I do, though he did stick to his points mostly. He thinks I have trouble accepting his feedback, I see it as criticism when he means it to be helpful.
Well, welcome to therapy. I doubt I’m the only client who has trouble accepting feedback. I tell Ron my problem is in the group he seems to turn into my enemy. Ron asks why that is and I don’t know.
We go over these same points several times, not really getting anywhere. I’m staying logical, trying to have this calm discussion in an adult type of way. It’s pretty tough.
At one point Ron wonders if the part that emerged in group wasn’t so much the traumatized child part, but a protector part. Which was the only new thing he said that session. I hadn’t thought of this – it could be. It’s a part I don’t like, that causes people to dislike me whenever it is triggered out, and causes me intense shame after it subsides again.
Ron keeps saying things I basically agree with, which I tell him. So why does the fact that he’s talking make me feel so frantic and unheard?
Though I do like how serious he is this session. Like this is important and he’s trying to understand.
I ask him why I fall into this awful anxiety state after the last session, where I couldn’t function for days. I don’t think Ron has an explanation. I talk about my sad history with men I’ve cared about, boyfriends, fantasy boyfriends, my ex husband. I wonder if I should see a female therapist, so my problems with men wouldn’t be triggered in this awful way.
Near the end of the session, I am listening to him, then I start to feel angry and unheard, so I interrupt him and say that. I also say I agree with what he’s saying, so what I’m feeling is not really making sense to me. Then, I feel a really bad feeling coming towards me. It’s like an angry storm cloud racing in from the right. I have a boundary of clear air protecting me, but I can feel the cloud. The feeling frightens me a lot, and I switch into the kid.
And time’s up. Ron asks if we should touch base that evening with a short phone call, as I’m upset. So I say yes, he sets a time and I dash out of the office.
At home I fall into a shut-down kind of a nap, then wake up massively depressed.
It seems that behind some of these arguing interchanges with Ron are other feelings from the past. Just mostly I can’t feel them. Sticking to my guns, but not being that logical, allowed me to become aware of the feelings. I don’t know what they are about, but they seem to be driving my dysfunctional behaviour.
This time I don’t feel that my feelings are Ron’s fault. That is a relief.