Ocean

Tonight was group night and I stayed away. I felt pretty sad. Also there was some relief that I don’t have to struggle with the aftermath of it all this week. I also felt the absolute ocean of fear that stops me from going. I can over-ride that ocean of fear and go, and then I’m fighting myself from the start. Because lately that’s just triggered an avalanche of pain and strained my relationship to Ron to the breaking point, I need to take a break. It makes sense and it still makes me sad.

I’ve been sitting for about an hour trying to feel and to sit with how I feel, with tears running down my face. The anxiety is back again. I started spinning out about whether Ron is trustworthy or not, and just went in circles with it all. There are things about him that trouble me.

At the same time, I know this deep anxiety and feeling of coming apart is in me, it’s coming from inside myself. Even if I start obsessing about Ron as the possible cause.

Ron is about the seventh therapist I’ve consulted. Most only lasted a few months. With the majority, I ended the therapy very suddenly after getting mad and disgusted with them. I wasn’t attached like I am to Ron, so it was easy to leave. I can’t keep running.

The intensity of my distrust right now reminds me of my history with men. The only serious boyfriend I have had after my divorce turned out to really be untrustworthy and really did lie to me. However. Even before I knew this, I would have huge anxiety attacks based on whether he cared or not, and couldn’t calm down until I’d talk to him on the phone.

Then I’ve been obsessed with men I only knew slightly – I did this throughout my thirties. It would start out like a pleasant fantasy….and then time would pass, and I would start to feel massive fear and anguish at the thought of seeing them, to the point where my sleep would be interrupted by the fear.

Ron is not a romance, that’s for sure. Yet I wonder if some of these feelings are being triggered off yet again just because he is a man, who has displayed some caring towards me.

I thought if I can just feel what’s underneath the fear, I’d get some knowledge.

Thanks for the comments on my last – I will respond, just can’t do it right now. I read them all carefully and I thank you.

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11 comments
  1. so glad you could sit and try and stay with that feeling. i often fail at that… sitting with uncomfortable feelings, and by that i mean, i totally fail, like 99% of the time

    πŸ™‚

    • Ellen said:

      Ah well. πŸ™‚ The one percent is still a positive. Thanks for the encouragement!

  2. “I’ve been sitting for about an hour trying to feel and to sit with how I feel, with tears running down my face. The anxiety is back again. I started spinning out about whether Ron is trustworthy or not, and just went in circles with it all. There are things about him that trouble me.

    At the same time, I know this deep anxiety and feeling of coming apart is in me, it’s coming from inside myself.”

    All of these things you describe are familiar to me also. But the key is that you try your best to sit with the feelings and feel them. Have the spinning thoughts. Let yourself have the feelings and thoughts, and then continue to try and see beneath them. What else is there? Go further. There is always more.

    Maybe Ron isn’t completely trustworthy–I’m not sure anyone is 100%…hell, maybe not even 75%!!

    But still, the fear of being let down is about your past and the things you’ve been through. What might it mean to go through this process with Ron (or any therapist) and do your best, learn from them, and perhaps–at some point–find that the person lets you down again? It happens. Everyone will let you down eventually, because everyone is human.

    I let my wife down sometimes. She lets me down sometimes. Real connection is when we find ways to come back again and sort through the issues together.

    Anyway, this is kind of rambling. I am sensing that perhaps you are actually closing in on a breakthrough of sorts, Eleen. Let it happen. Don’t be afraid of what you’re encountering. It will get better if you trust the process.

    • Ellen said:

      Good stuff here, thank you. Glad to hear you mention your wife – I was afraid when you said previously you’d gone down a bad path, it had something to do with her. BTW I try to piece together people’s lives from the smallest indicators. πŸ™‚ It doesn’t seem to be a breakthrough at the moment but still I hope I will learn something. Take care.

  3. And when I say Eleen, I mean Ellen of course!

  4. Gel said:

    I feel for you. I have times when I go around and around in my head obsessing about something painful. It’s one of the worst things to endure. As much as I agree that there is more underneath, and how important it is to sit with this stuff….I think we also need breaks. I guess there are a zillion ways to get your mind off something. potentially. But when I’m down like that I often don’t have the energy to do something else. My ‘bad’ way to take breaks from crappy inner turmoil has been through an eating disorder or alcohol. Both have done a fair amount of wrecking in my life so now I’m trying to live without them.

    I look for what I call benign distractions. Stuff that isn’t really productive but neither is it destructive. Like watching old movies or Brittish detective shows. I know I’m not ‘facing’ stuff when I watch them but at least I’m not killing myself with a drug. Sometimes setting up a game night with a few friends has been a fun distraction. I need more stuff tho. My point is that when things are tough and I’m working on getting better but it’s still hard, then finding benign distractions are really good.

    It really does seem like you are doing good work and writing about it and hearing from others must be good ‘medicine’.

    Best wishes.

    • Ellen said:

      Breaks are good. I tend to read fantasy or YA literature myself. I’m lucky I don’t struggle with addictions as you have had to do. Thanks for the encouragement Gel.

  5. Distrust is real and often there for real reasons. Learning that some people are mostly safe is difficult since humans hurt each other without intending too. Sitting with your emotions is a big step to accepting yourself. Hoping your session with Ron goes well.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Ruth. The session was a lot better.

  6. kp said:

    In a response to one of my comments, you defended Ron in what sounded like a pretty healthy voice. I think you should trust that voice. It sounds like therapy has been really scarey and painful but that can be a sign that it is working. ISending some virtual hugs your way!! Kim.

    • Ellen said:

      OK. πŸ™‚ Thank you Kim.

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