Tonight was group night and I stayed away. I felt pretty sad. Also there was some relief that I don’t have to struggle with the aftermath of it all this week. I also felt the absolute ocean of fear that stops me from going. I can over-ride that ocean of fear and go, and then I’m fighting myself from the start. Because lately that’s just triggered an avalanche of pain and strained my relationship to Ron to the breaking point, I need to take a break. It makes sense and it still makes me sad.
I’ve been sitting for about an hour trying to feel and to sit with how I feel, with tears running down my face. The anxiety is back again. I started spinning out about whether Ron is trustworthy or not, and just went in circles with it all. There are things about him that trouble me.
At the same time, I know this deep anxiety and feeling of coming apart is in me, it’s coming from inside myself. Even if I start obsessing about Ron as the possible cause.
Ron is about the seventh therapist I’ve consulted. Most only lasted a few months. With the majority, I ended the therapy very suddenly after getting mad and disgusted with them. I wasn’t attached like I am to Ron, so it was easy to leave. I can’t keep running.
The intensity of my distrust right now reminds me of my history with men. The only serious boyfriend I have had after my divorce turned out to really be untrustworthy and really did lie to me. However. Even before I knew this, I would have huge anxiety attacks based on whether he cared or not, and couldn’t calm down until I’d talk to him on the phone.
Then I’ve been obsessed with men I only knew slightly – I did this throughout my thirties. It would start out like a pleasant fantasy….and then time would pass, and I would start to feel massive fear and anguish at the thought of seeing them, to the point where my sleep would be interrupted by the fear.
Ron is not a romance, that’s for sure. Yet I wonder if some of these feelings are being triggered off yet again just because he is a man, who has displayed some caring towards me.
I thought if I can just feel what’s underneath the fear, I’d get some knowledge.
Thanks for the comments on my last – I will respond, just can’t do it right now. I read them all carefully and I thank you.