Ice pellets in the forecast (!!), so a frosty photo to celebrate.
I’ve just read over my last few posts. Wow, was I ever negative. NEGATIVE. I can’t believe it. How do I fall into these pits? How come so many people even bother to comment on this self-destructive cyclone? I appreciate the care and compassion I’m being shown when my flaws are on such vivid full-colour 3D view.
I am quite a bit better. The very strange and disabling dissociation is mostly gone. I still can’t seem to get it together to cook anything, but I’ve worked a few hours, gone for walks and for tea, so I’m back to functioning.
Time helps. Also an email to Ron helped. A part of me still wants to tell him how I’m feeling, so I did. I described the dissociation problem, how I haven’t been able to function, the rift I feel between us, how I’m worried he is angry. Also how I feel manipulative – quitting therapy, then un-quitting it, quitting a group I’d committed to, all to manage my feelings. I really don’t want to manipulate.
I told him I didn’t need a reply. I didn’t want to get into the cycle of desperately looking to see his reply, or being hurt when he said something impersonal. I also couldn’t imagine him caring about me. He replied the same day. And this time he did move towards me. He said he wasn’t angry, and he wondered if we should do two sessions a week to mend the rift that I see.
I really like it when he moves towards me. Go figure. Not sure if financially I want to do the two sessions. This week it would have been helpful, but I didn’t trust him enough to try. It’s confusing when in a crisis, but the crisis seems to be about the person who’s trying to help.
Ron has not said anything about me going back to group. I’m glad. I feel very sad that I can’t go to group, but it is triggering me too badly. PTSD sucks that way. I don’t want to avoid all triggers, I want to process the emotions. However, if the trigger is too severe, I just get re-traumatized, which is what seems to be happening.
I was awful in group last time. I criticized everything, and attacked Ron. Then in my session the next day I basically did the same thing. Though also apologized for attacking Ron. It’s a f’ing mess.
I have a very strong critical tendency. I have decided I need to channel this for good. I think a lot of the badness I see is actually there – I’m not imagining it. However, there is a lot of good stuff there also, which I’m ignoring. Right now, I’m seeing mostly the bad.
It’s really true, what a kind commenter remarked, that anyone will be pushed away by constant negativity and criticism, even therapists. It seems to me like I was under a black cloud last group. I felt bad, and, even though my intention was to describe my feelings, like we’re supposed to do in therapy, it morphed into attacking. It was actually a scream of pain, but not very recognizable.
Here are Ron’s good points, and they’re very strong.
He has guts. He will go for the pain and not look away. He could stand processing trauma with me, which I’m sure is hard on him. He has to share very old and overwhelming pain and fear with me in order to help me with it, and that takes a lot of guts. Another example? He has suicide cutting girl in a psycho-dynamic group which is anxiety producing for members. Most therapists would be scared shitless to do that in case the anxiety of this triggered another attempt.
He will go with whatever comes up without dismissing it. He will help me explore strange feelings, dreams, or parts, without making me feel like a strange and psychotic individual.
He does not take anger personally. Well, up to a point, as he is human.
He move towards problems, not away from them. Also up to a point, due to still being human. Like when I was ready to leave group, he asked me to talk about it instead. If I am extremely angry about therapy, he offers an extra session. With problems, he tends to offer himself. I find this appealing.
He has compassion.
Did I mention he’s kind of cute? When we’re getting along, I like how he looks.
That’s all that comes to mind for now. He still has all the flaws I’ve been complaining about also. But why do I need to focus on them? He may not be right for me, or not forever, because the negatives I see are still there, and I will have to determine if I can live with them. I’m trusting for now that if I take group out of the equation, we can go back to doing therapy that helps me.