I am doing worse. I’ve fallen into a kind of anxiety / unreality, a kind of state, that isn’t letting up. I almost long for the greyness of depression.
Ron replied to my apology and said he would hold me time for me, and if I did leave, we should meet to say goodbye.
I decided I would leave group but go back to therapy, since it seemed the stress of group was wrecking my relationship with Ron. So I wrote him that, and he hasn’t replied. I feel grief stricken about losing the group. I know I’ve complained here about the difficulties, but I learned a lot and I’m attached to the people there.
I wish Ron would have replied. His email replies to me in the last weeks have been formulas, not responding to anything I say. I seemed to remember he used to reply, briefly, but still touching on something I’d said, so I looked up some emails we exchanged last year. I was right – he did use to respond to at least one thing I said in the email. He no longer does that.
When there was trouble, he used to move towards me, offering extra sessions or phone calls. He definitely no longer does that. I long for it to be last year when Ron still responded to me. Maybe he got tired.
I fear Ron is angry with me for leaving his group. No one has left before, unless it was planned for an outside reason. It’s a small group so it will be very noticeable that I’m not there.
Ron is someone I loved. The rift with him is tearing me apart. Yesterday I couldn’t function at all. I looked at some work a couple times but couldn’t actually do any. I spent the day lying in bed, in this weird anxiety state. I felt my body was split in half, I felt unreal, and I felt the overwhelming sense that something was very wrong. As if someone had died perhaps. I wondered if this is what psychosis feels like. In a normal state of mind I just would not be able to lie in bed all day doing almost nothing.
Hope today will be better.