I am going to talk to this blog since there is no one else. I don’t think I could have conceived of the loneliness of my adult life as a child. As a child, I was often lonely, but not to the extent of not seeing anyone for days at a time. I had two siblings and two parents who were mostly around. A best friend usually. Then school. I guess in summer it got more lonely, but nothing like my life today. Working from home. Living alone. I have drifted from one of my long term friends. The other recently made me angry and I’m not bothering to call her. My ex really hurt me by not phoning me about my son. So there is no one.
You would think I would cling to a therapist and group, since they are almost my only human connections to life.
The stuff I said in my previous was all surface stuff. Yeah, it was hurtful. It’s not the reason I’m quitting therapy. The reason I need to quit is that I cannot stand the anxiety I have after sessions. It lasts for days and it is excruciating. Since I quit, I don’t feel it anymore. Instead I feel depressed and completely alone, but that is more bearable.
I understand therapy brings up bad feelings. The thing is, the relationship with the T is supposed to help you bear them. You feel accepted despite everything, and it helps to hold the pain. Things used to be like that with Ron. Especially when I was processing trauma. He’s good at that. He is not afraid of it as most therapists are, he recognizes it and doesn’t try to fix it for me. I’ll always appreciate that about him.
The other stuff he is not so good at. He tries to fix me, adjust me, make me a better person. In the process, he doesn’t stay connected. I just feel abandoned by him when he does that. He believes this is my problem. Just saying it’s my problem doesn’t help me though.
Right now, he is causing my pain, and it’s a lot of pain. OK, he’s triggering it. But he is not helping me with it, I don’t feel respected or understood. I feel condescended to and criticized.
My belief is he does not deal well with his own feelings about clients when they are angry, not appreciative, have their own ideas. He likes to be the hero. That’s probably overstated, but it’s kind of true. And who doesn’t. But as a T he should be getting a grip on his own feelings.
It’s very hard to give him up. I always hope, every week, that this time will be different. And sometimes it is. And mostly it’s not. The grief of giving up this relationship is severe.
I will apologize for my rude email, but I don’t intend to go back. I have to get through this so I can find something that will help me.
I know if you’re reading, you may be thinking, at last, this woman sees that this T is wrong for her. Things in therapy are not so simple though. One theory is that the therapeutic relationship brings up our unresolved griefs and hurts, and we project them onto the therapist. Because the therapist has our best interests at heart, he can hopefully respond in a healing way, so we can work through these hurts.
So it’s not necessarily a problem that therapy is painful, or even that there is conflict in the therapeutic relationship. Ron keeps saying that sometimes you are better off feeling worse than feeling better. I know, I know. Processing trauma is the most painful thing I have ever done.
If he could explain what he thinks happens to me after sessions when I fall into the bottomless pit of anxiety, I would listen. I don’t think he knows. He keeps saying that I have to talk, that pain is OK. He says it as if I don’t know about the pain of therapy, as if he has to convince me that it is good to explore hurt places. As if I’m the queen of avoidance and repression.
He’s not getting it. I don’t think I’m meant to go through therapy with a therapist who triggers me into huge anxiety attacks that last for days and wake me up nights. He’s supposed to be helping me with them, not causing them.
So what’s the problem? Quit already. The problem is I’m very attached to Ron. This is why he is able to trigger me so badly. Severing this attachment is going to be awful. The kid loves him.
Plus I am completely alone. I know I have blog readers, and I appreciate you, but I have no one IRL. It’s a scary place to be.
Anyhow. I am going for a walk. Must keep the body functioning. Probably friends will come around, just not this weekend. I will walk and look for beauty.