Having done that two hours ago, I feel better than I have since group Thursday. Still, it’s not good. Not a good thing at all. I also told Ron I’m not coming back, and informed him he is ‘so fake’.
We had this awful session Friday. Actually it didn’t seem that bad. Just as usual Ron did not seem to sympathize with anything I’d said. I’d been afraid my son was dead all weekend – oh well. He hadn’t replied to my email about that. Well, what does that mean to me, that he doesn’t reply? He felt I’d been harsh to people in group. I didn’t. All I said to A was I didn’t agree with his interpretation of me. Plus that he never shares himself, which is totally true, he just swoops in to analyze. So no, I don’t feel I was harsh.
Anyway, after the session I felt worse and worse. Friday evening I tried going over what happened in session by email and sent it off. In the middle of the night I tried to describe how desperately awful I was feeling, sent it off but said I didn’t need a reply. I wrote that one because I will forget how I felt by next Friday, and I thought I wanted to work on it.
This morning I still felt dreadful. It had to do with Ron, it’s hard to explain. It seems to be his fault I feel this way. I feel I trusted him and he betrayed me.
This morning he replied to my Friday email about the session. In complete therapy jargon. ‘These are important issues you are trying to integrate and we should both discuss them next Friday.’ In this email, I’d asked why he couldn’t even understand I’d needed to hear back from him when I was worried my son was dead. I don’t understand why he can’t respond to me about anything I say. The jargon feels so false, like a complete betrayal and refusal to talk about anything. Why can’t he say, yes, I understand that would be an upsetting weekend for you and I’m sorry I didn’t reply. Or, yes, I should have mentioned to you that I’d be working on Good Friday. Instead of, oh, I’d have told you weeks ahead if we weren’t meeting. Oh, and I said see you next week after the last session. No, actually, he didn’t. Anyway, there’s no way he’d remember what he said to me on the way out the door, with eight clients in a day. Why can’t he just say, yeah, I goofed. It does happen.
So fuck off and die it is. I feel sad, but I’m no longer falling apart the way I was. I don’t see the falling apart as therapeutic. I don’t understand why it happens, and he doesn’t either. He faults me for a bunch of things, like not wanting to talk at first. Well, I know what can happen to me after a session, so I’m cautious, as I don’t understand it. According to Ron, this means I’m being like my family, unwilling to discuss anything. No. He doesn’t get it at all.
I feel relieved at the moment not to have to go back. I’m sad to lose the group. I’ll be saving lots of money. I’ll need to find someone else, but not right away. First I’ll save my money.