F off and die

Circulation_sOh dear oh dear oh dear. Where do you go from here once you’ve emailed your therapist to fuck off and die?

Having done that two hours ago, I feel better than I have since group Thursday. Still, it’s not good. Not a good thing at all. I also told Ron I’m not coming back, and informed him he is ‘so fake’.

We had this awful session Friday. Actually it didn’t seem that bad. Just as usual Ron did not seem to sympathize with anything I’d said. I’d been afraid my son was dead all weekend – oh well. He hadn’t replied to my email about that. Well, what does that mean to me, that he doesn’t reply? He felt I’d been harsh to people in group. I didn’t. All I said to A was I didn’t agree with his interpretation of me. Plus that he never shares himself, which is totally true, he just swoops in to analyze. So no, I don’t feel I was harsh.

Anyway, after the session I felt worse and worse. Friday evening I tried going over what happened in session by email and sent it off. In the middle of the night I tried to describe how desperately awful I was feeling, sent it off but said I didn’t need a reply. I wrote that one because I will forget how I felt by next Friday, and I thought I wanted to work on it.

This morning I still felt dreadful. It had to do with Ron, it’s hard to explain. It seems to be his fault I feel this way. I feel I trusted him and he betrayed me.

This morning he replied to my Friday email about the session. In complete therapy jargon. ‘These are important issues you are trying to integrate and we should both discuss them next Friday.’ In this email, I’d asked why he couldn’t even understand I’d needed to hear back from him when I was worried my son was dead. I don’t understand why he can’t respond to me about anything I say. The jargon feels so false, like a complete betrayal and refusal to talk about anything. Why can’t he say, yes, I understand that would be an upsetting weekend for you and I’m sorry I didn’t reply. Or, yes, I should have mentioned to you that I’d be working on Good Friday. Instead of, oh, I’d have told you weeks ahead if we weren’t meeting. Oh, and I said see you next week after the last session. No, actually, he didn’t. Anyway, there’s no way he’d remember what he said to me on the way out the door, with eight clients in a day. Why can’t he just say, yeah, I goofed. It does happen.

So fuck off and die it is. I feel sad, but I’m no longer falling apart the way I was. I don’t see the falling apart as therapeutic. I don’t understand why it happens, and he doesn’t either. He faults me for a bunch of things, like not wanting to talk at first. Well, I know what can happen to me after a session, so I’m cautious, as I don’t understand it. According to Ron, this means I’m being like my family, unwilling to discuss anything. No. He doesn’t get it at all.

I feel relieved at the moment not to have to go back. I’m sad to lose the group. I’ll be saving lots of money. I’ll need to find someone else, but not right away. First I’ll save my money.

Art: The Fractal Bargain Bin

  1. Good for you! There are therapists who just don’t know how to help us, and wading through jargon and trying to understand why they upset us so much is a waste of time, energy, and money. Since other things are already so upsetting, how do you possibly have time to wonder about the therapeutic relationship? You can’t. Move on.

    I think what you do in the meantime is keep working at getting better. And try to find a therapist who really can help you. I’ve gone periods of time without therapy as well, because no one seemed able to help me. I kept working at getting better, and I did.

    Good luck!

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for sharing your opinion / experience Ashana.

  2. You have support here, Ellen.

    This must clearly be a bit of a difficult time, and the anger is palpable in that statement–I think expressing your anger so bluntly can be a good thing. I am also sure it’s not all about Ron, how could it possibly be?

    But you have, in reality, expressed continued doubts since almost the very first session, about whether or not Ron was the right fit for you as a therapist. Those doubts might be for a very good reason.

    I agree with what Ashana M said above: Please keep working at getting better. Don’t just fall into total despair and give up on the journey. Of course, you’ll come back either way, but I think save yourself a bit of trouble if you try to set up some methods of sticking to your path as you navigate this uncertain period of time.

    Also, don’t forget how these angry, fearful, anxious times pass. Then the good moments come, and they pass as well.

    Starting to see through the moods and understand that they are tied to our habitual “conditioning” can be very helpful to release us from some of the pain. It is how I respond to my moods that counts. For me, that means trying to relax a little bit more than I did the last moment. Take a breath, relax. Take another. Let some tension go. Try to smile.


    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, the anger isn’t just about Ron I’m sure. Thank you.

  3. Juliet said:

    Maybe this is far fetched… but the way you describe him, Ron is as emotionally unavailable as your family so it’s no surprise that you feel bad about seeing him, right? If he is unable to understand why you have hard times talking… oh I just don’t know; it’s his job to understand :/ Safe hugs xx

    • Ellen said:

      Ron does not remind me much of my family I have to say. I think though the whole therapy set-up, where the T doesn’t respond to you as one person to another, might be triggering. Thanks for your support. xoxo

  4. Gel said:

    Even if, after the feelings of intensity wear off, and you wonder about going back to Ron….well I’m guessing you can do that if that feels right. Some of this turmoil about R. is probably rooted in you, but that doesn’t mean you have to work on it with him, or that he is the best person to work on it with. There are many good therapists. I hope you find one that fits who you are better.

    It’s not my sense that Ron is the best T. for you anyway…just thought I’d say this and I want to be supportive of whatever your process is and how it evolves. Maybe other kinds of therapy would be a good change in addition to a different therapist.

    It could even be that we need to mix things up a bit and work on different levels or with different kinds of therapies and then come back around an work on an old issue where we got stuck, or even return to a previous therapist with whom we got stuck…and see if we can go to a new level of work.

    I too, hope you keep working on things and finding allies to help you. We all need many allies.

    Good for you for standing up for what your truth is and expressing yourself. Does that seem like a big step for you?A good thing?


    • Ellen said:

      You could be right with all this. I think I went overboard in standing up for myself. Swearing at people is not my style. Anyhow. thanks for the support. Hugs to you.

  5. i wonder what would have happened if you had told him to “fuck off and die” in person…to his face… that would have been interesting for you, i think, valuable for you is what i mean.

    • Ellen said:

      I wonder…thanks Catherine

  6. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Which ever way you go you have challenges ahead. If you stay with him, you will have challenges. If you have no counseling you will have challenges. If you find a different counselor you will have challenges. Keeping you in my prayers that you may keep going forward.

    • Ellen said:

      That is really true. At the point of anger, I think a certain way will solve it, ie. get rid of Ron. But you are totally right. Thanks Ruth

  7. kp said:

    Hi…it sounds like you are in a very difficult place BUT I think it is a good sign that you are feeling angry with Ron…like you are going to fight for what you need to survive…I don’t know if you should stay with Ron or not but I think you should stay in counseling. I think that you are working through things…painful, scarey things…Thinking of you….Kim

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for having such a balanced perspective Kim, appreciated.

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