I guess I was depressed. I went to group tonight and it was truly awful. I fought with Ron. He didn’t tell me to shut up but it felt like it in the end. I know I got to him and I wish I hadn’t.
Ron has been very very keen on the idea of our group doing some meditation plus making sounds, and then discussing it. Last time we discussed whether to do it or not, and the consensus was not. This time, he just launched into the exercise. Which I hated.
I guess I was still smarting about the fact that Ron hadn’t returned my email about my son on the weekend. Plus the missed session due to his failure to communicate with me. Really, if you’re going to work on a major holiday, you might mention that to your clients.
I got to group a few minutes early, as is my habit, as I like to chat with one of the groupies who is always early, Z. However, now that M is back, M comes early also, so Z is entirely taken up with talking to her. M is very ‘bubbly’ and outgoing. So I got there, and no one talked to me, and I felt bad. I missed Z – it’s my only chance to talk to her outside of group. And I’m not interested in bubbliness, so I didn’t make a lot of effort to join in.
Then Ron arrived. M had just had a session with him. They give each other this little special smile and don’t say anything. I feel again jealous and left out.
I’m not saying I’m proud of this. Just how it was.
Then we do this sounding exercise. I don’t really participate and it only lasts a few minutes. No one makes much of a sound except for Ron.
In the discussion after, all I can think of is leaving. I get my purse on my shoulder, waiting for a good time to leave. Ron says I look ready to go and can I talk about it.
So all the stuff I just wrote about comes pouring out of me. Also the email, the situation with my son and my ex. Z is hugely apologetic that she didn’t talk to me. I can’t really take her explanation in. It’s like being in the grip of a huge emotion – I can’t deal with other people’s input too much.
Then A says something about how I’m not connecting, and Ron echoes his comment. I say at least I’m feeling and describing things. I accuse A of always offering analysis, never being the ‘fish on the hook’ struggling with his own issues.
I say some disparaging things about mindfulness – how it’s supposed to be this great solution to everything, but I think it’s actually not. It’s a difficult thing, not just, hey, pay attention to your breath and everything will be fine.
Ron accuses me of tilting at windmills, and what do I really want to say here and now.
Whatever. I tell him he always backs up A no matter what. I tell him he seemed like a really fake person, leading the breathing.
Ron tries to offer insight, how I’m fending off connections or some such. I say I don’t want to do this now. I truly cannot take in insights when I’m in the grip of huge emotions. It would have been nice if Ron could have acknowledged hearing anything I’d said at least, but he doesn’t do that. He seems put out, and shifts the conversation away from me back to other people’s reactions to the sounding.
Now thinking about it a few hours later, I think one thing that bugs me is that Ron seems to have given up on the group as a psychodynamic group and is wanting to turn it into something else. I was interested in the group we had. Yes, there is a problem with some people really not participating much. Still, I was learning things and making progress.
Also Ron is so attached to the sounding idea. I know this is an interest he has personally. He has a nice voice, he sings and apparently he’s done the sounding stuff before. I feel like he’s lost interest in the regular group and wants to turn it into something else. I liked how he used to be so sure the group was going to work and was helpful to people. He seems to have lost that.
After the group, I pick up the kleenex box on the floor, because it’s right in front of me. I am going to put it down on a chair so it’s easier for Ron to pick up, but see he is right there, so hand it to him and say bye. The energy between us is truly awful. He doesn’t say anything, but it’s like being hit with a wall of confusion and bad feelings.
After the group, I say goodbye to R but we don’t talk. He’d told me in the group he thought he’d offered me a lot of empathy and compassion, and why did i say that I didn’t feel I trusted the group. I felt too low to talk to him after.
At home I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I consider quitting therapy. I consider suicide, though not very seriously. I feel like I’ve put my trust in someone who is not trustworthy. It’s a really bad feeling, and it has me up blogging at four in the morning.