Back to a frozen chilliness. In the middle of winter, temperatures around freezing would feel warm to me. Why do they seem so cold in spring? I went for a walk to the dry cleaners and back, and that may be enough of outside for me for the day.
My workload is very light. And working from home. It is good to rest, but at the same time as usual, not having enough to do for work makes me anxious and guilty. There are worse problems to have though. I’m getting paid. I’m warm, comfortable, with no people problems.
Easter weekend was difficult. First of all my son seemed to be missing. He lives in a different city, alone, and no one had been able to contact him for a couple of weeks. I worry. His dad worries. On Friday his dad set out for the city where my son lives, about an eight hour drive, to go to his apartment, since he wasn’t answering emails or phone messages.
I expected a call from my ex letting me know what was going on. Friday night, no call. Saturday, no call. Sunday no call. My ex is not comfortable with cell phones, though he has one. He hadn’t turned on his cell and I couldn’t reach him either.
So I fell into a pit of anxiety and speculation. Why were neither of them calling me? Especially my ex, since he’d left with the express purpose of reassuring everyone that my son was OK. It made my weekend very difficult as I veered between anger at my ex for his thoughtlessness to fear that something was seriously amiss.
As I tend to do, I wrote Ron about my anxiety in the hope it would help me feel better. He’s told me it’s fine to do that. I wrote several times, but only sent one email, Sunday afternoon. For some reason, he still hasn’t replied. I assume he won’t now, as he tends not to after 24 hours have passed. I feel really let down. I looked back at the email this morning. It wasn’t very clear, but I did ask for a response.
Finally, Sunday evening, my son called. He said he’d been sick but was OK now. He’d charged his phone but forgot to turn it on. He didn’t see what the fuss was about. What could happen to him? If something did, what could we do anyway, we aren’t doctors? So we had this back and forth discussion of what could have happened, why I would be concerned, why I needed to hear from him once a week.
He reluctantly agreed to phone once a week. He’s agreed before, and didn’t stick to it.
But I am so relieved he is OK. Nothing seems that bad today, since that anxiety is relieved.
Maybe I will email Ron this afternoon and ask why he never responded to my email. He is really good about responding usually. Very brief responses, but they are enough for me to feel it’s OK to write and he reads what I send him.
Maybe he thinks I skipped my session Friday on purpose, and then lied to him about it? That’s not my style. I would have liked a session in fact. This was a real crisis for me and it would have been nice to hear from him. Then I could also tell him my son is OK.
There was a mix-up with the phone. Ron left me a message when I didn’t show, and my phone didn’t indicate I had a message, just that he called. I only found the message once Ron told me about it. And I didn’t hear the damn phone when he called because my ears are plugged with wax currently, a recurring problem I have. So maybe altogether he thinks I’m making things up and doesn’t want to deal with me.
Or maybe he just forgot.
There is a lot I could say about my son. I feel very bad about his childhood – I wasn’t a good mother, though I desperately wanted to be. His father wasn’t a good dad, though he also wanted to be. And his dad and I fought throughout his childhood. And I was suffering from depression. Overall, he had a crummy time of it.
I tried. I read books about parenting. I went to a group for parents of acting out teens. Etc etc etc.
I tried and I failed. And now he has problems for sure.
Maybe it will all work out somehow. All I can do now is keep trying to keep in contact.