A blazingly sunny and warmer Good Friday. i spent the morning napping but then headed out to the park  and  the cafe. A tea and chocolate spice cookie in the sun…ah. Balm to my sun deprived Canadian heart.

Today is usually therapy day. Ron didn’t mention the holiday last week, so I assumed he wouldn’t be working, and I bravely, oh so bravely, did not email him asking him about it or fish for an alternate appointment time. I felt I could cope with missing a week, and he needed his rest, and I could save a bit of money. Plus the last session left me feeling connected, so I wouldn’t be risking that by having another that was bad.

This afternoon coming back from the park I looked at my phone, and saw that he’d called ten minutes after my usual appointment time. No message. Sigh. So he was working. How was I to know? He wasn’t working last year – we re-scheduled to Saturday. So all my bravery is for nothing – I could have gone to see him. Now I feel that sharp sense of missing someone that I hate to feel.

But honestly, wouldn’t you think he’d mention this to his clients? I’m also angry in advance in case he is going to make me pay for a missed session. He’d better not. It’s aggravating enough to have missed it.

Group last night was good. I”d better get some of it down – I didn’t write about last week, and I’ve forgotten almost all of that one.

This week we start discussing R’s and Ron’s idea from last week to spend some time (5 minutes) of the group breathing together and making sounds. E is very upset about this idea and says she won’t remain in the room if we do it. She is very emotional about it. I say I’m OK with trying it, but I also have some things I want to say about the group, so I hope we can get on with it and back to regular business.

In all, we spend twenty minutes discussing this, and then decide not to go ahead with it. I never do learn what upsets E so much about this experiment. She remains violently opposed. The two men are fine with trying it, the other three of us are wary but willing.

I am anxious to talk, and so I get the floor. A really odd moment right at the start, where I start talking hesitantly, and I look up and see seven pairs of eyes fixed on me. ‘Everyone’s looking at me!’ I squeak.

I talk about things I’ve already blogged about. I must admit if feels really good to say some of these things that have troubled me and have people show and interest and respond.

First I talk about how troubled I was by the session where M described being triggered into cutting by a group session a couple of weeks ago. I said it basically the way I did here. How it worried me that it was the group itself that had triggered her. How I found the friendship between M and E a little odd, as they seemed to be triggering each other into cutting. Whether M was benefiting from the group if it triggered her so drastically.

M didn’t seem disturbed by what I said. She explained more about her state when she cuts and different things. She felt the group is benefiting her.  OK. No one else said much. Definitely no one said that they too were disturbed by that group session.

This next part I don’t want to write about. OK, bullet points. I talked about stuff like:

  • Ron had said I was threatened.
  • Wondered what he meant because I don’t cut
  • I do have dissociated parts so I understand that
  • Ron said I have a part that is suicidal
  • Oh yea I’d forgotten that, that part got triggered by that cutting group
  • people wondered what I meant so I talked a bit about it – I hear it like a voice when it’s dissociated
  • it comes up a fair bit in group
  • Z started talking and I heard it
  • so I wondered why
  • talk about my need for attention, how different people in the group sometimes trigger that ‘voice’
  • how I feel ashamed if I switch into a part
  • they don’t understand that
  • because while i know it’s ok for therapy, it still feels really shameful to me.

Phew. OK. This all happened and people talked a bit.

Then I talked about the other thing I wanted to talk about – why Z got mad at E for the time she said that people in the group weren’t talking, but she didn’t get mad at me, and I’d said the same thing. What was the difference?

Time for another break because this part is hard to tell also.

Tomorrow is another day and I will write it then.


  1. Wow, there is a lot here and you say there is more. Interesting that Ron didn’t clarify that he would be working. You are doing great sharing so much with the group and here. Hoping your week is a good one.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah it was a lot. I didn’t notice it so much at the time, but after I did. thank you

  2. bummer about the confusion re. the friday appointment, especially since he rescheduled last year. i doubt he’ll make you pay. it was an honest mistake on your part…

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, the confusion makes the break more painful. Hope you’re right. I think it’s fair – if you’re working a holiday, you should say so. thanks.

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