carnivaleA quick post to commemorate the fact that this evening, I feel good. Tired but good. I’m not having worries and anxieties. I worked all day, still in a room with two managers. It was fine. They both talk a lot and I like to listen. Then I talk also. I’m not that perfect at talking but it seems OK in my present unworried state.

It’s a lot easier to show up at work and be swept along by events than trying to work by myself at a desk. Other people carry me along, and I don’t have to worry about things all by myself. They don’t. They talk all possible issues out.

I think they remind me of my paternal aunts. I loved my father’s sisters very much when I was a young child. For one thing, unlike my mother, they weren’t afraid to talk, and they seemed to think I was worth talking to. They made me feel loved and special, and I suspect these women, only somewhat older than I am, are reminding me of that feeling. The way they settle in and start telling stories, and discuss….those aunts were like that.

I’ve also ended up with a good feeling about Ron and therapy. I have no idea why that happened. The last session was fine. Then I wrote Ron an email on the weekend when I’d had a bad dream and he responded kindly. And so I feel connected and unworried about whether he likes me or not.

This must have to do with parts. Because it’s not making a lot of sense to me. Why I would feel so overwhelmingly awful one week, thinking it’s Ron’s fault, and now this week, feeling good, and also feeling it has something to do with Ron. I am insane.

Anyhow, I am going to enjoy feeling good. I am getting to work every day at 8:30, making me feel extra competent and in control of my life. I did a red wash on the weekend, meaning I can wear lots of red and pink, keeping the kid happy.

This feeling is a relief.

Art: Lorraine Peltz

  1. Gel said:

    I enjoyed reading this. I especially relate the good aunts and being swept along with good co-workers. That’s so great. I have an aunt and uncle (they are my dad’s siblings) that used to treat me like I was worth talking to when I was a kid and they were so fun, creative and all round good people (still are). So I know what it’s like to have that. The thing I remember was that when I was with them I felt sane and I knew my real self. It was a really important gift in my life.

    I hope you can work with these people longer, if that is working nicely for your soul.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, that’s a similar feeling for sure. Thanks.

  2. weareonebyruth said:

    Not insane….roller coaster emotions are what poets write about. I learned after integrating the emotions are kind of crazy, parts kept me from feeling them. Parts coming together turns emotions loose. Enjoy the good days. In time, they will happen more and more often. Hurray for feeling good.

    • Ellen said:

      I hope so. Thank you Ruth.

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