Thanks to all who left comments for the kid. She appreciates – it is so fun for her to get people who talk to her. Normally no one talks to her so it means a lot when you are kind.
I didn’t describe my last session. It was pretty dismal and too painful to describe. Not that it seemed to be about my dark and disturbing past. Just that Ron and I weren’t getting along very well. We talked about the last group, how disturbed I was by it, and he felt I was threatened by M. So fine. I switched the topic to some current concerns, nothing too heavy. A long-time friend whom I’m thinking of not continuing a friendship with. Then whether to go to a family restaurant dinner that was coming up.
Ron had nothing earth shattering to say. I felt I should be tackling problems from my life, as opposed to therapy problems / group problems. But it was not terribly satisfying. He said I didn’t go into depth with any one thing, I kept shifting around. But, I couldn’t come up with any depths.
I forgot to time keep at the end. Usually I keep strict watch on the clock, because I hate the feeling of Ron telling me it’s time to stop – I always feel like he can’t wait to get rid of me. This session, I forgot. So I was in the middle of a sentence, when Ron got up and started slowly walking to the door. He didn’t say it was time or anything. So I immediately felt guilty, stopped in mid-sentence, said I’m sorry, and dashed out of his office. Thinking back I felt hurt.
At home I fell into such a pit of despair. It seemed to be caused by Ron. I felt as if he’d horribly abandoned me, in a way that threatened my life. I knew it didn’t literally do that, but that was the intensity of the fear and despair I felt. It didn’t make sense to me – the session wasn’t that deep or that bad.
I felt my only option was to quit therapy. So I wrote Ron an email, saying I wanted something from him he couldn’t give, and that therapy made me want to kill myself. And I was not coming back.
So he emailed back saying whatever had made me want to kill myself must have been really bad. And that we could look at what happens to me together if I could stand it. And that he would keep my slot open for me in case I changed my mind.
Basically a kind response. Not that he would likely bring these things up next time, but still.
I was completely depressed all weekend, but by Tuesday I had calmed down, of course changing my mind. Sigh. So I emailed Ron back that yes, I’ll see him Friday.
I don’t get what happens to me. I did feel some relief from my feelings when I quit therapy. But now at a distance of a few days, they no longer make sense. I still feel like I’m not getting along with Ron, but WTF? Seeing him makes me want to kill myself? He’s really not that bad.