Sun

Breath_sOK, better. I cheered up right after my last post. It’s light longer these evenings, so last night it was still quite bright at around six. A small voice was crying – sushi, sushi, we’d like some. I never get take-out when I’m home, I’m frugal that way. But I felt I had to cheer up. I wasn’t even sure if I really wanted sushi, but the voice did. So off I went.

I started feeling better just walking down the street. Lovely to have light in the evening. First I dropped in at the local video store. They didn’t have what I was looking for (Homeland season 2), but they had another movie I’ve been wanting to see. Only one day rental – I’ll get it soon.

I went on to the sushi place. So nice to be greeted nicely, and I got a free salmon roll thingy to chew on while I waited. My cheer meter went up and up. Yum. Sushi swinging in a little plastic bag, I dropped in on the natural foods store across the street and bought a ‘natural’ cookie and some mushrooms.

By the time I got home I felt I’d had a whole little adventure that I wouldn’t usually have in the darkness of winter. Then I didn’t have to cook, and I enjoyed eating my sushi with my hands, dunking it in soy as needed. Lovely.

I also turned on some cheerful music and danced around. Another good thing to do.

I did finish the laundry. I went to sleep, and though I woke up during the night, it wasn’t in a scared and frightful place the way I had been the night before.

All in all, I suppose I need to work at cheering up sometimes.

I’ve also decided I need to give myself more of a break. As in stop beating myself up all the time. As in, hey, I have money, I can spend some of it as I like.

I feel bad that I’m older and haven’t achieved things I want and that seem to make up a good life. That’s a constant and daily theme here at Ellen’s PTSD Palace. Well. I don’t have a meaningful career and I don’t have a romantic partner.

It’s true, so I’ve found it hard to counter that. However. I am further ahead than I was in my twenties and thirties. One, I am not in any kind of abusive relationship. That tore me down every single day. I am free and independent. Two, I am making enough money to support myself and to pay for therapy. Not to be sneezed at. A lot depends on being able to support myself. A decent place to live, no current money worries, a feeling of safety. Being independent. Three, my work is decent – it is not difficult, it is not demeaning, I am being treated well.

I never had these things before. So I am doing well. I am not pathetic, and I need to stop beating myself over the head with the thought that I am. My life hasn’t turned out to be a fairy tale, but it’s no tragedy either.

I’d also say the discovery that I operate with parts is good. It’s a painful discovery, but it’s closer to the truth than I was before. Therapy is painful and confusing, but it’s also very interesting. I don’t know yet what the result of it all will be.

Art: Fractal Bargain Bin

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14 comments
  1. “Ellen’s PTSD Palace”… Lol, too cute.

    Glad today was a better day. A walk or run, and a little goofy dance usually cheer me up too.

    I hope the good feelings are long lasting for you! (Glad you enjoyed dinner the other night… That’s cool you were able to help others with their social anxieties!)

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Christie. It is good to feel helpful sometimes.

  2. Paul said:

    I am impressed by your honesty and this kind of honest writing is probably the best kind of therapy.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Paul, hope so.

  3. I’m so glad that things looked brighter for you today! I hope that continues as a trend, as the weather also starts to brighten.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Cat’s. Weather does make a difference.

  4. Gel said:

    Good to hear all this. I’m happy for you.

    I’ve had a shift from chronic depression and anxiety as the normal mode…to having those intermittently. I have downs but they aren’t AS bad but still can be pretty difficult. But now that I have some times of being OK, and even happy with life, it makes it bearable to work through the tough times. That’s what I thought of as I read your post.

    It’s also good to hear how you shifted your perspective on your life by noticing all the ways you are successful.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Gel. I’ve actually had a similar shift. Good to know this resonated with you and I’m glad your overall trajectory seems to be upwards.

  5. kp said:

    The longer days DO make a difference on our spirits don’t they? I do the “rating my life” thing in my head as well. It is so harsh. We all come into our lives with different situations, challenges, opportunities and lessons to learn so why do we think that there is only one set of parameters against which we should judge our “success” in life? I feel that I have been a prisoner to the “success” model; always working hard to feel good about myself with little time to actually enjoy the pleasures in life. Kim

    • Ellen said:

      Ratings and comparisons are harsh. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time. Thanks for sharing your philosophy.

  6. I am loving the longer days. I am also enjoying more exercise. Interesting how the better I feel the more exercise I do…or is it the other way around. Hard to tell some times. I am glad to hear you had a lovely adventurer. When I found out about my parts I felt relief because so many things made more sense that way. Hugs for healthy perspective. 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Ruth. Good that you are enjoying longer days also. Hugs

  7. Juliet said:

    I really like this post and I can relate to this a lot! The idea that we’re no longer being abused… we are free. It’s true. But I should probably cheer up more as well and keep this in mind ..

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