OK, better. I cheered up right after my last post. It’s light longer these evenings, so last night it was still quite bright at around six. A small voice was crying – sushi, sushi, we’d like some. I never get take-out when I’m home, I’m frugal that way. But I felt I had to cheer up. I wasn’t even sure if I really wanted sushi, but the voice did. So off I went.
I started feeling better just walking down the street. Lovely to have light in the evening. First I dropped in at the local video store. They didn’t have what I was looking for (Homeland season 2), but they had another movie I’ve been wanting to see. Only one day rental – I’ll get it soon.
I went on to the sushi place. So nice to be greeted nicely, and I got a free salmon roll thingy to chew on while I waited. My cheer meter went up and up. Yum. Sushi swinging in a little plastic bag, I dropped in on the natural foods store across the street and bought a ‘natural’ cookie and some mushrooms.
By the time I got home I felt I’d had a whole little adventure that I wouldn’t usually have in the darkness of winter. Then I didn’t have to cook, and I enjoyed eating my sushi with my hands, dunking it in soy as needed. Lovely.
I also turned on some cheerful music and danced around. Another good thing to do.
I did finish the laundry. I went to sleep, and though I woke up during the night, it wasn’t in a scared and frightful place the way I had been the night before.
All in all, I suppose I need to work at cheering up sometimes.
I’ve also decided I need to give myself more of a break. As in stop beating myself up all the time. As in, hey, I have money, I can spend some of it as I like.
I feel bad that I’m older and haven’t achieved things I want and that seem to make up a good life. That’s a constant and daily theme here at Ellen’s PTSD Palace. Well. I don’t have a meaningful career and I don’t have a romantic partner.
It’s true, so I’ve found it hard to counter that. However. I am further ahead than I was in my twenties and thirties. One, I am not in any kind of abusive relationship. That tore me down every single day. I am free and independent. Two, I am making enough money to support myself and to pay for therapy. Not to be sneezed at. A lot depends on being able to support myself. A decent place to live, no current money worries, a feeling of safety. Being independent. Three, my work is decent – it is not difficult, it is not demeaning, I am being treated well.
I never had these things before. So I am doing well. I am not pathetic, and I need to stop beating myself over the head with the thought that I am. My life hasn’t turned out to be a fairy tale, but it’s no tragedy either.
I’d also say the discovery that I operate with parts is good. It’s a painful discovery, but it’s closer to the truth than I was before. Therapy is painful and confusing, but it’s also very interesting. I don’t know yet what the result of it all will be.
Art: Fractal Bargain Bin