Rain

blueChandI’m going to describe my therapy so I don’t completely lose the memory, but first, can I just say that I feel terrible? There is no reason that I know of, at least not that’s different from any other time. I wake up at night quite petrified, feeling completely alone and disconnected. This morning I got up to log into work, made some moves to clean up and dress, then followed the irresistible pull of my bed and dozed another two hours. Moving around was just too emotionally painful.

What the heck is this about? The only real change is Ron’s vacation. But I am not even missing a session. Work is slower than usual, so I will likely only go in one day this week, meaning less human contact than usual. I don’t know. I’ve more or less reconciled things with Ron, so I don’t have that stress anymore of being angry with a T.

Anyhow, the upshot is I’m doing very little. i managed to do a load of laundry, but it could be I won’t get it out of the machine and into the dryer before tomorrow. I want to, I just can’t.

I feel very alone, but seeing people doesn’t seem to help much.

I know I must build a life for myself. Worrying about therapy and group is supposed to help me with my life. If I don’t have one, it’s not very useful. It can’t be a substitute. I know this, but can’t work out how to get a life that’s worthwhile.

OK, the session. It was five days ago, so I don’t remember the details.

I started off talking about how I suddenly lose all trust in my relationship with Ron, and that it seems very extreme. I can look back afterwards and see how I exaggerated, but at the time it all seems to make sense.

Ron floats the idea that this is about acting from parts. I say I have no idea, maybe it is.

We discuss this a bit more without coming to any conclusions.

I mainly remember the part of the session which upset me. Where Ron asked the kid,  Why did you never grow up?

The kid has no idea. I think it’s a weird question. We spend some time on it, Ron pointing out that I seem to be getting angry, which is true.

E. How would I know? I seem to have split when I was young because I couldn’t deal with some experiences I had.

R. Yes….But I think the kid knows why she didn’t grow up.

E. No she doesn’t. She just knows she is a kid, she likes to play, she doesn’t like to work. That’s all she knows.

Ron points out that the kid is living in an adult’s body….

E. Great. Now I’m getting really upset. And I was calm when I came in to see you today. What’s the point of this? Now it’ll take me days to pull myself back together, everything will be like it was, then I come to see you again and the same thing happens.

R. I think I’m rattling your cage a bit. You’re here because this system of parts isn’t working very well for you. But bringing those parts together again is very painful. Hopefully, I am disturbing the system a bit and it won’t go back together again, it’ll be a bit more open.

E. The kid is just…like a bug. She has feelings, but can’t think like an adult. She just reacts to things. She doesn’t plan things.

R. I think she does. She has needs…and she acts to get them met.

E. Yes, that part is true.

That’s all I can remember. We didn’t get any further really than Ron’s question, why did the kid not want to grow up. I find that just a bizarre question. I was so young when this split happened. How would that part of me know why? And is this some new way of dealing with parts that I’ve never heard of?

For some reason, this upsets me a lot.

I borrow a book from Ron on my way out, which I often do when he goes away. I like to feel I have something of his in the meantime.

Art: Lorraine Peltz

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7 comments
  1. Bourbon said:

    It’s a very philosophical question to ask a child part! Interesting though that at the beginning of the post you say Ron’s question was why didn’t the kid grow up, and by the end of the post you’re saying that you’re upset Ron asked why the kid didn’t WANT to grow up…. Two quite different questions I guess. The second one makes it sound more like a choice, so perhaps that is why the question upset you, if you heard it like that? xx

    • Ellen said:

      Those are different questions – thanks for pointing that out, I hadn’t noticed at all. I wonder which he actually asked. I think it upset me because it suggested that Ron thought the kid shouldn’t be here, she should have grown up. Or maybe it was the fact that I didn’t see how the kid could know that. I’ll ask him next time. Thanks Bourbon. xox

  2. I got the same type of questions. Then the parts that came out later were asked why they were hiding. The anger and frustration I felt was huge. But here’s the flip side you may want to consider. Ron is treating the kid with the respect of wanting to know the kid. Jumping in and answering for the kid might be a pattern that your parents used to do answering for you when you were a kid. I suggest consider the possibility that the kid does know but isn’t prepared to share the information. My youngest part held secrets. When she started sharing her secrets it took almost 2 years of counseling just to hear them all. Some of them were random events but most of them were why I was how I was. She started to grow up after she shared her secrets. She didn’t want to tell her secrets at first. It was difficult. Hugs. Working with parts is hard and shaking up the system is what it takes to get better. You said yourself you started counseling because you needed help with living. I do realize that Ron probably thinks he is handing you a rope of silk. I suspect if your reaction is similar to mind I felt like I was handed a line of barbed wire. I am cheering you on. The journey through is worth it in my opinion.

    • Ellen said:

      Really interesting Ruth that you got the same type of questions and that they also made you angry. Sometimes I think Ron is just out on a limb and doing really odd things, so it helps that others have had the same experiences. Interesting about the secrets. At the moment, it seems to me like the kid is the communicator of the parts – she’s very social and needs to connect. So far she hasn’t spilled any secrets. When I’ve re-experienced some traumatic stuff in a session, it’s been other child parts that came forward. That’s how it seems to me anyhow.

      It really helps that you understand about shaking up the system. Because I just wonder if the fact is that Ron and I just don’t get along. But other times, I think it’s my own anger about other things, and he’s just not shying away, which is his job. It does feel like barbed wire!

      Thanks for your support Ruth.

  3. Gel said:

    OK I guess I’m really out of my element here. I just feel creeped out by how your T treats you, from what you write. I’m aware that I don’t know much about your healing needs or your T’s therapy techniques. So maybe I shouldn’t even be commenting.

    This is the part that baffles me this time:
    I don’t understand how a kid (whether a 7 year old or a younger part of an adult) could know how to respond to …”Ron asked the kid, Why did you never grow up?”….First of all a 7 year old is not grown up yet so how could she even answer that? It sounds crazy making to me. I noted that Ron asked the kid, not your adult you, right?

    If it is unhelpful for me to voice my feeling/thoughts about your therapist, please let me know. I’m new-ish to your blog and know very little about you. But I feel an affinity for you. And I don’t want to be a negative vibe in you blog life.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Gel, No, I value your opinion and thoughts. I surely am in a struggle with Ron these past few weeks. I did feel rather like you describe about his question. I’m going to ask him this next time I see him.

      I guess I’d comment in general, that this type of therapy does use the relationship between T and client as part of the therapy. So it’s not necessarily a disaster if I am angry with the T – that can be used for more information about how I react to people in general. It’s not meant to be a totally stress free relationship where I bring in my problems and we focus on those, as kind of outside of anything that’s going on between us. I don’t believe this is the kind of therapy you are doing. There are so many kinds, many so helpful.

      At the same time, I do wonder if therapy is supposed to be quite so rough. I’m very attached to Ron, in between being furious with him, but maybe that’s some kind of a trap. So it’s an unclear situation for me.

      Do you have experience with dissociation / parts yourself?

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

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