Firefly_-_WhitefallThe sun has come out after months of grey and overall things are better in my world too. But right now I want to talk about loneliness. Sometimes loneliness bites me in the ass, other times, still in basically the same situation, it doesn’t. Why is that?

Last night, 3 am, I woke up and felt earth-shatteringly lonely. That sense of everyone died and only I am left in the world. I’d been watching a space themed show that evening, so my sense was that I was lost, floating around in my astronaut suit in the vastness of space.

It’s a very scary hollow type of feeling.

I sent an email to Ron describing the sensation, and after an hour or so, was able to fall back to sleep.

Ron has left for a week’s vacation, so that could be one prompt for the feeling. But he will be back for my therapy day anyway, Friday. A part of me always hates it when he goes away. It’s as if I need to know he is in the same city as me. Go figure.

I know I need people in my life, and I need to make some effort, not just wait for someone to call me. I should be going out and maybe meeting new people. But this is my same life, and I don’t always run into this feeling of being lost in space.

I wonder if it’s actually a memory of how things were for me as a child. I was surrounded by family, but my mother is a very removed kind of a woman. She doesn’t respond much. I wonder if I felt that lack of response in that way, as if it threatened my life.

Ron responded to my email the next morning. I was relieved to hear from him. Plus at least I know he’s still alive. Yep, a part of me worries that maybe he has died. No, he’s on vacation. It’s different.

This morning I went for a walk to soak up the sun, a little longer than usual, then I fell asleep at home, and woke up in this same lonely state. It’ll take me hours to climb out of it.

Tonight I’m going to a dinner for fellow social anxiety sufferers. Very appropriate. At least I know one friend will be going, and he talks, so someone will talk to me. I have to be sure to sit close to him.

  1. Awww, so glad your sun has come out from hiding too. I’m glad you’re going out! That should help, plus knowing Ron is still accessible. I’m always a little nervous meeting new people, but once the first couple of minutes have passed, it feels much easier. I hope you meet some nice and new friends! And enjoy that sunshine for me too!
    Hugs… C

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks C. Hugs to you also.

  2. Bourbon said:

    I have been pulled under by a lot of loneliness too recently in the last couple of days. I’m sorry you are in the same place as I know how much it can hurt. Hope the dinner goes okay xx

    • Ellen said:

      We are suffering together then. The dinner was OK and helped me feel less alone. xox

  3. laura said:

    I feel it when Howard’s “away” even though we’re always in different cities, 400 miles apart. When he’s on vacation, he’s out of place, and missing – so I get what you’re saying,

  4. laura said:

    I feel it when Howard’s “away” even though we’re always in different cities, 400 miles apart. When he’s on vacation, he’s out of place, and missing – so I get what you’re saying,

    • Ellen said:

      I can’t imagine living 400 miles apart from my T, wow. Interesting you still have a similar response. Thanks.

  5. weareonebyruth said:

    I feel the loneliness in a crowd sometimes. I am learning that it is a fairly common feeling. I learned that my feelings of loneliness can be triggered but sometimes it is there more from me not connecting with other people. Connecting takes effort and sometimes I am not up to that effort. I wish we lived close enough that we could go out to lunch and just talk and talk. I think we would laugh too.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, I’m sometimes not up to that effort either. Lots of times actually. I wish we could do lunch too. 🙂 Thanks Ruth.

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