Space

Firefly_-_WhitefallThe sun has come out after months of grey and overall things are better in my world too. But right now I want to talk about loneliness. Sometimes loneliness bites me in the ass, other times, still in basically the same situation, it doesn’t. Why is that?

Last night, 3 am, I woke up and felt earth-shatteringly lonely. That sense of everyone died and only I am left in the world. I’d been watching a space themed show that evening, so my sense was that I was lost, floating around in my astronaut suit in the vastness of space.

It’s a very scary hollow type of feeling.

I sent an email to Ron describing the sensation, and after an hour or so, was able to fall back to sleep.

Ron has left for a week’s vacation, so that could be one prompt for the feeling. But he will be back for my therapy day anyway, Friday. A part of me always hates it when he goes away. It’s as if I need to know he is in the same city as me. Go figure.

I know I need people in my life, and I need to make some effort, not just wait for someone to call me. I should be going out and maybe meeting new people. But this is my same life, and I don’t always run into this feeling of being lost in space.

I wonder if it’s actually a memory of how things were for me as a child. I was surrounded by family, but my mother is a very removed kind of a woman. She doesn’t respond much. I wonder if I felt that lack of response in that way, as if it threatened my life.

Ron responded to my email the next morning. I was relieved to hear from him. Plus at least I know he’s still alive. Yep, a part of me worries that maybe he has died. No, he’s on vacation. It’s different.

This morning I went for a walk to soak up the sun, a little longer than usual, then I fell asleep at home, and woke up in this same lonely state. It’ll take me hours to climb out of it.

Tonight I’m going to a dinner for fellow social anxiety sufferers. Very appropriate. At least I know one friend will be going, and he talks, so someone will talk to me. I have to be sure to sit close to him.

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9 comments
  1. Awww, so glad your sun has come out from hiding too. I’m glad you’re going out! That should help, plus knowing Ron is still accessible. I’m always a little nervous meeting new people, but once the first couple of minutes have passed, it feels much easier. I hope you meet some nice and new friends! And enjoy that sunshine for me too!
    Hugs… C

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks C. Hugs to you also.

  2. Bourbon said:

    I have been pulled under by a lot of loneliness too recently in the last couple of days. I’m sorry you are in the same place as I know how much it can hurt. Hope the dinner goes okay xx

    • Ellen said:

      We are suffering together then. The dinner was OK and helped me feel less alone. xox

  3. laura said:

    I feel it when Howard’s “away” even though we’re always in different cities, 400 miles apart. When he’s on vacation, he’s out of place, and missing – so I get what you’re saying,

  4. laura said:

    I feel it when Howard’s “away” even though we’re always in different cities, 400 miles apart. When he’s on vacation, he’s out of place, and missing – so I get what you’re saying,

    • Ellen said:

      I can’t imagine living 400 miles apart from my T, wow. Interesting you still have a similar response. Thanks.

  5. weareonebyruth said:

    I feel the loneliness in a crowd sometimes. I am learning that it is a fairly common feeling. I learned that my feelings of loneliness can be triggered but sometimes it is there more from me not connecting with other people. Connecting takes effort and sometimes I am not up to that effort. I wish we lived close enough that we could go out to lunch and just talk and talk. I think we would laugh too.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, I’m sometimes not up to that effort either. Lots of times actually. I wish we could do lunch too. 🙂 Thanks Ruth.

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