The sun has come out after months of grey and overall things are better in my world too. But right now I want to talk about loneliness. Sometimes loneliness bites me in the ass, other times, still in basically the same situation, it doesn’t. Why is that?
Last night, 3 am, I woke up and felt earth-shatteringly lonely. That sense of everyone died and only I am left in the world. I’d been watching a space themed show that evening, so my sense was that I was lost, floating around in my astronaut suit in the vastness of space.
It’s a very scary hollow type of feeling.
I sent an email to Ron describing the sensation, and after an hour or so, was able to fall back to sleep.
Ron has left for a week’s vacation, so that could be one prompt for the feeling. But he will be back for my therapy day anyway, Friday. A part of me always hates it when he goes away. It’s as if I need to know he is in the same city as me. Go figure.
I know I need people in my life, and I need to make some effort, not just wait for someone to call me. I should be going out and maybe meeting new people. But this is my same life, and I don’t always run into this feeling of being lost in space.
I wonder if it’s actually a memory of how things were for me as a child. I was surrounded by family, but my mother is a very removed kind of a woman. She doesn’t respond much. I wonder if I felt that lack of response in that way, as if it threatened my life.
Ron responded to my email the next morning. I was relieved to hear from him. Plus at least I know he’s still alive. Yep, a part of me worries that maybe he has died. No, he’s on vacation. It’s different.
This morning I went for a walk to soak up the sun, a little longer than usual, then I fell asleep at home, and woke up in this same lonely state. It’ll take me hours to climb out of it.
Tonight I’m going to a dinner for fellow social anxiety sufferers. Very appropriate. At least I know one friend will be going, and he talks, so someone will talk to me. I have to be sure to sit close to him.