Hurtful

I know compared to a lot of people, I do not have huge problems. But I am miserable tonight and I am going to write about it.

I went back to group yesterday and I thought it was OK. I mentioned my problem with group dynamics, and it was OK.

Today’s therapy session was once again hurtful and unhelpful. I wrote Ron an email about how bad I was feeling as a result of it. Ron spent the session trying to get me to improve as a group member. I hadn’t been aware I’d done that badly to start with.

I feel so hurt. Ron acts as if he doesn’t like me. Even when he said my name to call me in from the waiting room, he had that tone. A tone I’ve never heard from him before. A tone that says, here’s this unreasonable person yet she’s a client, I have to try and be nice. That condescending tone that says I have to put up with you.

I used to feel accepted, like my words had some impact, like I was as smart as he was.

I just wish I wasn’t this devastated. I’ve now raised my issues with him about our last session, and the way the group works. And how I feel like he no longer cares about me.

He says I don’t like what he says, about the group and my behaviour, so I don’t want to hear it.

Isn’t bad news supposed to be mixed with some signs of caring also? Otherwise I can go to people who don’t like me, listen to what they say, and get the same effect for free.

Ron hasn’t replied to my email. I didn’t specifically ask him to reply, but I did ask him some questions and conveyed how upset I feel. If he doesn’t answer, I’m going to send the other email where I quit therapy.

I feel really bad. I’ve invested a lot in this, and losing it hurts. Losing someone I was attached to hurts even more.

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27 comments
    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Cat’s. I feel truly horrible tonight. Thanks for caring.

  1. best wishes on everything. don’t worry about comparing your pain or suffering w the pain and suffering of others. it’s truly all relative. the worst thing to you, the worst thing to me, the worst thing for the kid down the street: it’s all our own worst thing. we all suffer; we bear what we can bear. that’s enough. love.

    • Ellen said:

      OK. Thank you DN. love to you. Your kindness made me cry.

  2. laura said:

    ugh! that’s rough, Ellen! I’ve been there… I hope you won’t quit therapy based on your interpretation of how he feels about you.
    try to see that it’s a fear-based story, okay? do you have a good book to read?

    • Ellen said:

      Yes it is rough. Thanks.

  3. Juliet said:

    I’m sorry you’re hurting like that, and as someone else has already pointed out: there is no need for comparisons.
    I’m sorry that you feel he doesn’t care… it’s not fair.
    Hugs xxx

  4. Natalya said:

    You don’t need to compare your suffering to anyone else’s. I agree with what depression nation said too.

    Is it possible to switch to another therapist you feel more connected to? It’s hard to get far if we aren’t happy with the person supposedly helping us.

    Sending you healing thoughts.

    • Ellen said:

      It’s definitely possible. I’m paying after all. Things are complicated, but I’ve told Ron I’m thinking of leaving, and I’ll give it two more sessions.

      Thanks!

  5. It took me forever to find my current therapist, but the moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was the one for me. What’s my point? Trust your gut, if you feel your therapist is losing patience with you they might be. I’m a therapist and I know how most professionals are behind closed doors. Most have limited patience for people who can’t remain within their protocols or follow along nicely with their preferred mode of treatment. This sounds bad, but it’s true. Therapists also work best with people for whom they have natural sympathies. That’s just life. Nobody talks about this, but it’s true. My therapist went through similar experiences as me, and I’m certain this is why she can extend compassion to me.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for sharing your experience patrice. I’m not a therapist myself, but I definitely agree they have their individual strengths and weaknesses and types of people they like to work with. Therapists are like anyone else in that regard. Ron has the opinion it’s my own issues pasted on to him, but in this case I’m not agreeing anymore. I’m glad you found someone good.

  6. attached said:

    ((Ellen))

    I’m so sorry that you feel like Ron doesn’t care about you. I know how much you have invested in your relationship with Ron and how much you work in group and therapy. I have trouble believing that how Ron feels about you has changed as much as you are feeling but only you can know how to proceed. I am thinking of you.

    • Ellen said:

      I think at the moment it’s not so much he doesn’t care at all, it’s more that his personal issues are interfering with how he conducts therapy with me. Making it a hurtful and untherapeutic experience. I’m giving it two more weeks, though the temptation to quit right away is very strong. Thanks for thinking of me.

  7. weareonebyruth said:

    Feeling hurt is feeling hurt, it doesn’t need to be the same as anybody else. You hurt. This is a tough time for you. Therapy isn’t easy. It doesn’t feel good. If you don’t feel connected that is a problem. No easy answer. Cyber hugs is the best I can do. (((((Ellen)))))

    • Ellen said:

      thank you Ruth. hugs

  8. I say trust your gut. I am not a big proponent of therapy per se, but I am not against it either–I think it can work great if its the right fit. At the same time, I believe a lot in working on myself and trying to understand my experience in life.

    My feeling is that if you do decide to quit therapy with Ron, you should have an immediate backup plan and not be floundering around for weeks or longer.

    Best of luck, remember that you will indeed feel better again, regardless of how any of this therapy stuff goes…

    • Ellen said:

      The problem with my gut is it can say different things at the same time, and on different days.

      I agree on the therapy – I don’t want something that’s just a habit and is not helping me change.

      I don’t know about a backup plan – it would be like a break-up. The pain would be severe, and I’d be reluctant to risk that again.

      Thanks Aaron. take care.

      • I am not saying therapy, necessarily…but I feel that if you simply stop all therapy and have no plans for self-work or self-care that it will be very difficult for you, Ellen. Take the couple of weeks to think about ways you can continue your journey…one roadblock should not be the end of it, and it gives you time to figure things out.

        I understand it’s painful and I’m sorry to hear you feel that way.

        Your gut doesn’t say different things, imo. That’s your mind. Go to the place inside yourself where you already know what you need. It’s there, I promise.

        Take care of yourself, you have many people’s support.

        • Ellen said:

          I understand the idea. Not sure what kind of self-care you’re thinking of?

          At the present moment, my gut is screaming – stay, stay, no matter what!

          take care

  9. Gel said:

    Hi,
    I’ve been reading your blog for several months but never commented. I know you don’t know me at all. I don’t expect my comment to have much to offer. But I thought i’d put it out here anyway. First I feel a fondness for you and admire your spirit and how you’ve shared yourself on this blog.

    It’s not for me to judge, but my feeling is that there is probably a better therapist for you out there for you. I can understand how it would be hard to distinguish when your ‘shadow’ is surfacing in a therapy situation and if FEELS like it’s the therapist who’s not on the ball, but maybe you should stick with the therapist because it might be that you are projecting onto him. However in your situation, as you’ve described it, I feel that there is something more going on that makes it seem like this T. is not a good fit for you. Even when it’s feeling shitty with whatever you are working on, you should still feel respected by your therapist.

    OK I’ll leave it there. Just my opinion based on very little.

    I hope things get better for you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks, and lovely to meet you Gel, I’m glad you introduced yourself. Thanks for the kind words. It is definitely a confusing situation. Some how or other, things will work out. take care.

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