I know compared to a lot of people, I do not have huge problems. But I am miserable tonight and I am going to write about it.
I went back to group yesterday and I thought it was OK. I mentioned my problem with group dynamics, and it was OK.
Today’s therapy session was once again hurtful and unhelpful. I wrote Ron an email about how bad I was feeling as a result of it. Ron spent the session trying to get me to improve as a group member. I hadn’t been aware I’d done that badly to start with.
I feel so hurt. Ron acts as if he doesn’t like me. Even when he said my name to call me in from the waiting room, he had that tone. A tone I’ve never heard from him before. A tone that says, here’s this unreasonable person yet she’s a client, I have to try and be nice. That condescending tone that says I have to put up with you.
I used to feel accepted, like my words had some impact, like I was as smart as he was.
I just wish I wasn’t this devastated. I’ve now raised my issues with him about our last session, and the way the group works. And how I feel like he no longer cares about me.
He says I don’t like what he says, about the group and my behaviour, so I don’t want to hear it.
Isn’t bad news supposed to be mixed with some signs of caring also? Otherwise I can go to people who don’t like me, listen to what they say, and get the same effect for free.
Ron hasn’t replied to my email. I didn’t specifically ask him to reply, but I did ask him some questions and conveyed how upset I feel. If he doesn’t answer, I’m going to send the other email where I quit therapy.
I feel really bad. I’ve invested a lot in this, and losing it hurts. Losing someone I was attached to hurts even more.