Today was my first day back at work. As my boss is on vacation this week, I’ll work from home all week. This means I see and talk to no one. It’s just excruciating, and I’m sliding down further. The work is not terribly interesting, no one is concerned with what progress I make, it makes work for them because they have to review….I was able to do maybe an hour this morning, then I thought I would go for a walk / cafe break, as if I were at work, and after that I did no more work at all.
It’s too boring. I need some incentive to do it. Focusing on it depresses my mind further than it already is. I’m trying to balance getting some things done with plunging into a depression where I can’t function at all.
I do need the money. I live alone, who else will earn? If I didn’t feel guilty, it would be a great set-up, as if I didn’t sleep well, I can take naps, lots of time to take care of other things. If I didn’t.
I’m pretty sure my relationship with Ron was providing a buffer to the depression I’m prone to. Now I feel that’s broken, so I’m unbuffered.
I need to go out to things, and I look up things on the internet – yoga classes, meditation groups. When it comes down to it, it seems like way too much trouble to go. I am hopeless. I am doomed to sit forever in my living room by myself.
I think if I could take away one problem that I have, it wouldn’t be depression, it would be social anxiety. Every interaction causes me anxiety in advance. I avoid and hold back automatically, sure that the next interaction will be painful.
Then the loneliness of this causes depression. I think if I didn’t have this, I could tackle other issues.
I am sorry I’m whining. I’m trying to do things that involve being around people that I find less scary, like going to the library, buying a tea and sitting down to have it.
Today I was at the local funky cafe. I go because I like the music they play, and the space is appealing, so much light, and lovely big chunks of wood for a sitting bar at both plate glass windows.
The customers are twenty and thirty something, they all seem very funky or somehow on trend, so I feel out of place there. Sitting near any of them makes me nervous. But I keep going back for the look of it all. Plus they have a really nice cappuccino, though I now can no longer drink coffee.
I read on someone’s blog, forget where, that when she was feeling isolated or new in a place, she made a point of chatting to people in cafes that she saw all the time. I’m assuming this means the servers behind the counter. I think I could do that. At least muster a ‘how are you’ instead of my usual glazed request for a tea. I would feel more connected if a few people would chat where I live.
I think I have a kind of frozen expression perhaps. No one ever seems to take the initiative to talk to me. But it doesn’t mean I can’t try.
I know talking a bit to people helps with the depression. For me it’s a kind of painful isolated feeling. At least, loneliness makes it worse.
I haven’t talked about social anxiety in therapy. I might try. Ron’s focus tends to be on ‘depth’, that is, what goes deeply wrong in my relationships, maybe manifesting in my relationship to him and to the group. But I think that will take forever. Right now it just makes me angry. I think there’s also a place for approaching things from the other end – interacting more with people around me maybe, or setting up my life so I do interact with people occasionally. Lots of people who flounder in intimate relationships still have a social life.
I do expect pain when I interact. I don’t even think about it – I know it will be painful. The fact is, superficial interactions are almost never painful for me anymore. I need to let that knowledge just seep into me.