I skipped group for the first time ever tonight. I don’t think I’ve even missed due to illness before.
It was actually a project to skip it. I was so aware that the time to leave was coming up, then the time when the group started and ran was constantly at top of mind.
So now I don’t have my feelings all stirred up, as per usual post group. I just feel calmly sad and lonely.
It seemed to me in my last session Ron was saying how I come across as uncaring in the group. Then he was trying to change me. I heard that as that no one likes me in the group, which is a sad feeling, when it’s somewhere I go every week hoping to heal.
We exchanged some emails yesterday, when I had to tell him I wasn’t coming tonight. At first, I said nothing about why. We’d already discussed the group in my session two days ago after all. Then, when I couldn’t sleep, I sent him a longer email outlining my concerns with the group.
I’m pretty fed up that after so much time, half the group is pretty well silent every single meeting. There are only six of us, now maybe seven, so that leaves only three who participate beyond a few sentences. Actually only two of us talk a lot, myself and E. And E doesn’t like me.
So I end up exasperated with the people who come every week, pay their money, and then find it safest to simply sit.
Ron gives me feedback about how what I say isn’t ‘right’ somehow. But I really think his problem is that people are not taking part. And I think it’s his job to at least point this out. He thinks it’s my job to do that, since I’m feeling it. I’m tired of saying difficult things to the group and then being attacked for it. I don’t see this as my job at all. It’s about group dynamics, which as group leader, he should be addressing, IMO.
At the same time, I’m very sad that I’m not liked. It feels like once again I’m in a no win situation where I’m not liked, and there’s not much to be done about it except leave.
Anyhow, Ron wrote me back to say I should be bringing all this up in the group, but that if it’s ‘too hard’ we can discuss it more in my session. So playing the coward card – group is just too difficult for me. I didn’t bother replying to that.
It’s kind of good to skip group. It’s following how I feel. Of course, as soon as I do that, the parts of me that want to go, that yearn for connection and to see Ron, pop up and give me hell. But the part that wants out of there is very real, and it feels kind of good to brave the other parts for once and just stay home, stay away from the badness.
I feel completely disconnected from Ron. Unheard. It scares me, because I use him as a buffer when PTSD symptoms wreck havoc. Plus, who else do I have?
I’ll have to decide whether to go to next week’s group. My next session is not until after that. Well, it’s a long time away.