Drinking tea made from a new box of Earl Grey. It’s so floral – could that just be the bergamot, nice and strong? Or is that lavender? The tea strainer was sitting near a tipped over bottle of lavender oil. Trying to figure this out I keep sipping. It’s interesting at any rate.
Therapy was somewhat disastrous this week. It was a few days early, as Ron will be away on my regular day. Since last week’s group, I’ve been trying to explain how I saw it, and he doesn’t hear me. So now I’ve shut down as far as therapy is concerned. I’m not going to bother with group this week. It honestly doesn’t feel safe to me, and I’m not pursuing therapy as a torture method. If I can’t see how it’s helping, and Ron isn’t hearing me or supporting me, why go? I am a reasonable person, even if you might not think so reading some of my posts.
The session yesterday seemed like a fight, with Ron always trying to convince me that how I see it, how I feel, is mistaken. Is that really the therapist’s job? Even if he were entirely correct, and everything I think and feel wrong – is it not his job to try and meet me somewhere where I am?
I feel bereft – like breaking up with a boyfriend. Not that I’ve quit therapy, not that he’s a boyfriend. It’s that feeling of both abandoning, giving up, and being abandoned, all stirred up together.
I think if this were a different kind of relationship, say a friend or client or child, I would have stopped fighting and tried to see things from the other’s point of view, asking questions, finding out how they’re feeling, etc. I hope I would, anyway. But in this case, I guess I’m expecting him to reach out to me, not the other way around, so I don’t do that.
Towards the end of the session, trying to change the subject, I talk about a dream I had that night and wrote down. Ron doesn’t ask me how I feel about it, he doesn’t ask for associations. He insists he knows what the dream means with no further discussion – that I am afraid of change. When I don’t agree that’s what the dream means, he’s put out.
Ron is not usually like this, otherwise I would not see him for therapy.
He needs to get it together. Yep, I’m pissed off.