Tea and sadness

angerDrinking tea made from a new box of Earl Grey. It’s so floral – could that just be the bergamot, nice and strong? Or is that lavender? The tea strainer was sitting near a tipped over bottle of lavender oil. Trying to figure this out I keep sipping. It’s interesting at any rate.

Therapy was somewhat disastrous this week. It was a few days early, as Ron will be away on my regular day. Since last week’s group, I’ve been trying to explain how I saw it, and he doesn’t hear me. So now I’ve shut down as far as therapy is concerned. I’m not going to bother with group this week. It honestly doesn’t feel safe to me, and I’m not pursuing therapy as a torture method. If I can’t see how it’s helping, and Ron isn’t hearing me or supporting me, why go? I am a reasonable person, even if you might not think so reading some of my posts.

The session yesterday seemed like a fight, with Ron always trying to convince me that how I see it, how I feel, is mistaken. Is that really the therapist’s job? Even if he were entirely correct, and everything I think and feel wrong – is it not his job to try and meet me somewhere where I am?

I feel bereft – like breaking up with a boyfriend. Not that I’ve quit therapy, not that he’s a boyfriend. It’s that feeling of both abandoning, giving up, and being abandoned, all stirred up together.

I think if this were a different kind of relationship, say a friend or client or child, I would have stopped fighting and tried to see things from the other’s point of view, asking questions, finding out how they’re feeling, etc. I hope I would, anyway. But in this case, I guess I’m expecting him to reach out to me, not the other way around, so I don’t do that.

Towards the end of the session, trying to change the subject, I talk about a dream I had that night and wrote down. Ron doesn’t ask me how I feel about it, he doesn’t ask for associations. He insists he knows what the dream means with no further discussion – that I am afraid of change. When I don’t agree that’s what the dream means, he’s put out.

Ron is not usually like this, otherwise I would not see him for therapy.

He needs to get it together. Yep, I’m pissed off.

Art: Digital Expressionism

  1. Pissed off is ok. I remember going round and round with my counselor on more than one occasion trying to describe how I felt. My counselor tended to assume that I behaved in a certain way. I had to disillusion him more than once. I agree with you sticking to your perspective and keep describing it to him. Taking a break from group or quitting all together is your decision. I think in therapy situations that the counselor gets used to having their own way. Hugs. It is hard to fight for your self when you were probably trained to do what ever your parents told you to do. I wonder if writing it first and taking it to session will be helpful. Just an idea.
    Take care,

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Ruth. I still feel like quitting but I may feel differently next week. I may take a longer break from group. It is hard to stand up to Ron – I’m used to feeling he is on my side, now I don’t. Hugs

  2. Karen said:

    He reminds me of an old therapist of mine; he’s started off as a really helpful person for you to see, then becomes strangely unreasonable. Countertransference? Personal issues? Who knows. Either way, it’s desperate unfair and I totally understand why you feel like you do. I don’t have anything in the way of advice, but I do empathise and genuinely hope that this is just a blip that you’ll be able to resolve together.

    Take care and hugs


    • Ellen said:

      I was thinking it’s countertransference. Plus I know he currently has one client hospitalized and I think it really bothers him. I know he used to be helpful and isn’t now, except that I’m attached to him. Thanks for understanding. Hugs

  3. Yuck! It’s definitely okay to feel pissed off! And, there’s nothing worse, when talking with someone, than not being heard. I have such a difficult time speaking that when I’m not heard after I go through the effort of speaking I get rather cranky.

    During conversations, I think it’s always beneficial to try to see where the other person is coming from, whether a friend, family, or therapist. But, you’re right in thinking that it’s not the therapist’s role to just -tell- you things and expect you to accept them. That’s taking away your voice. It -is- his job to meet you where you are!

    Sounds like maybe it was just an off session, since you say he’s not normally like this. Maybe his mind was elsewhere. Can you bring this up with him during your next session? Talk about how you didn’t feel heard? I know that’s hard!

    LOL… yep. Skip group. You can come hide out with me! 🙂 …wait, will that make me a group? Is 2 people a group? Hmm… I might not have thought that through thoroughly.

    Take care okay! Enjoy your tea. I treated myself to an orange earlier 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I can bring it up. The way he’s going, he’ll keep arguing though, so not sure. I did skip group – you would be a good companion I’m sure. Thanks for the comment RL. Take care.

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