Weak

Feeling terrible. I’ve been having body memories again – kind of faint, like the volume is turned really low. I can push them aside but then end up with self-destructive thoughts. Sigh.

I’m still weak, so can’t go out much. Today’s voyage was to the health food store a few blocks away. Walking along the shelves, I got all teary about having to decide what kind of apples to buy, and whether to give coconut milk yogurt a chance. I did grab the apples but had to leave the yogurt as making a decision was too much. I must have looked bizarre in the store, standing motionless and sad in front of the yogurt.

Not sure what to do about the memories – should I allow them to come up, giving them lots of space to do so? Or do I go with trying to cheer up and be normal? Or do I just stumble around, doing a little of this and that, waiting for the day to be over? So far it’s been the latter.

I”m pretty lonely which isn’t helping. Haven’t spoken to anyone for a few days it seems. Well, my mother on the phone today. Doesn’t really count.

Maybe I’ll go and do my body scan CD. Maybe it will be calming.

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20 comments
  1. Oh Ellen, I’m so sorry. Seems to me like you’re stuck in the middle between letting the memories flow and containing them. You should try to go whichever way feels right. Sending lots of safe ((hugs)) your way.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Chatte. I am stuck. xox

  2. attached said:

    I’m sorry that you are stuck with the body memories. It sounds awful. I am still up if you want to talk. Please take gentle care of yourself.

  3. artyelf said:

    You have been on my mind Ellen. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with the memories. Being ill and trying to recover does seem to bring up many memories for me too. I hope you can find some calm and peace.

    Do you have to have any further treatment for the cancer? I was just reading through your previous posts, and thinking how controlling your father seems, and thinking how controlling an illness like this can be also.

    Take care xox

    • Ellen said:

      I’m so glad to hear from you Elyn. I don’t like it when bloggy friends stop blogging – I’m glad you are well enough to be here.

      It’s odd that relationship between physical illness and mental stuff.

      I have another appt with the surgeon at the end of the month. That’s when I’ll find out if I need chemo or not. I’m hoping it’s a good sign that they’re not desperate to see me in a hurry.

      I’d never thought of the connection between controlling / cancer. Interesting. My father’s personality has been on my mind, because we obviously take all that in as children, it becomes a part of us.

      Thanks Elyn. xoxo. If you start a new blog, can you let me know?

      • artyelf said:

        I think it’s a very good sign the surgeon hasn’t called you in yet, but I’m sure you will be in limbo till you get the all clear. I think it will be difficult to feel ‘normal’ till this happens.

        My thoughts are with you xox

        • Ellen said:

          Do you think so? I am hoping. 🙂 Thank you

          • artyelf said:

            Yes, I do think so. When I was helping my friend, treatments would be started straight away. If this is on your mind, you know you can ring your doctor, they understand this is a stressful time. And stress doesn’t help your recovery. I do have a good feeling about you though.
            Whatever happens, you will be in my thoughts xox

            • Ellen said:

              Good to know. Thanks Elyn. xoxo

  4. weareonebyruth said:

    Hugs. What have you done with the memories before? Does it get better or worse when you do the same thing? My theory for remembering things is I suppressed them for years. It didn’t help so with counseling I allowed them to come. It was not pleasant at the moment but I felt huge relief later but not right away. Weak is ok after surgery. Why do you criticize yourself for being weak after major surgery? Hugs.

    • Ellen said:

      I have sometimes let memories come up, but it’s hard for me to do. Mostly on my own they just stay stuck, half conscious and driving me crazy. It’s easier for me to let them come up with Ron – the parts that hold them want to tell him what happened. It is a really distressing experience for sure.

      OK, I won’t criticize. 🙂

      Hugs to you

  5. Mike Haitch said:

    Let them arise. I had similar issues last year when I was unwell.

  6. Kashley said:

    Body memories are just awful…really horrible. I’m so sorry. I don’t know if you can do this, or even want to, but my T always says that these things come up because they want to be acknowledged but that sometimes when we can’t handle that, we can try telling them that we’ll let them come later, but not right now. It’s worked for me occasionally.

    xx

    • Ellen said:

      I may try that. Thanks Kashley. xox

  7. laura said:

    poor girl! I hope you’re feeling better… try to give yourself the love and patience you need.

  8. harrietmwelch said:

    There are a lot of things I don’t remember from my childhood, mostly emotional stuff, like whether or not my parents hugged me. I have no recollection of that. Either it didn’t happen or I don’t remember. I think maybe you should allow time for your body memories to come up, maybe at a time when you are feeling particularly safe, but telling yourself that you won’t allow them to take over, and that you need to put them back away after a time. I’m not sure if that is possible though.

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