Recovery is a little slower than I first thought. I’m home again though, which is good. I feel very fatigued, and also very reluctant to talk or write, for some reason. It’s as if I’m closed up in myself and don’t want to connect to anyone. Healing seems enough. I’m still reading everyone’s blogs but mostly don’t venture to comment at the moment.
The reluctance to speak has to do with being triggered, I need to physically heal, but the operation had huge emotional effects somehow. Any time my body is ‘violated’ (I know this isn’t a true violation, but in some sense it feels as if it is) I respond with flashbacks to the past. Even though I was unconscious at the time, somehow, I still know I was cut into. My body knows. Apart from the small incision wounds.
My theory is this throws me back to a time when I didn’t have the words or the understanding to tell anyone what had happened to me – I knew it was awful, but I hid the knowledge of what had happened from myself and everyone else.
Last night I woke up at four in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. When that happens, usually I’m holding back feelings or experiences I don’t want to have, and it keeps me wide awake. I slowly allowed myself to feel whatever it was. The kid started crying and taking to Ron (who obviously wasn’t there). I felt as if my surrounding shell was broken – cracked somehow. Maybe my aura was breached? A strange feeling to try to describe. And I felt as if people were looming too close to me, invading my space entirely.
One of the surgeons came to see me every day in the hospital – a resident. He was very kind and we had nice chats – I liked him. But last night, he loomed over me (in my mind) as someone who was invasive, who was too close, who threatened.
Today was quite a tough day – I was very tired and felt unwell. But I figure I’m healing, plus processing what happened. I did go to both group and therapy this week, but didn’t actually discuss this. Maybe I’ll write Ron and email. But my general reluctance to communicate extends to emails also.
Luckily I have time – I can rest and not function as needed. It’s really nice to have that.