A sunny day today, the first we’ve had in a long time. All that grey was grinding me down, so this is a good thing. And kind of warm – the kind of day where half the people you meet have a dazed smile on their face as they look up at the blue sky. No one is expecting spring like weather in January.
I am anxious. I have the operation in two days. And I’m finding out at the last minute there is more preparation – I have a pre-op appointment Thursday starting at 7 am to noon. How will I ever make it out to the hospital at that hour? Especially as parking is ruinously expensive there. Then today I found out I can have breakfast tomorrow, but then must fast and cleanse. Sigh. How can I have breakfast when I have to be out of the house before dawn? But I’ll be very hungry if I don’t eat at all that day or the next.
Trying not to be scared all the time. Trying. Sometimes I stop being scared and feel a kind of vast sadness underneath that. Not sure why – sadness that I got sick? It’s almost restful after all that fear.
Yesterday I went in to work, and it was great. Everything was so normal, people were all acting as always, I felt no fear all day long, it was as if it was a different world altogether. The worst has been when I’m trying to work from home – I get so anxious I cannot focus at all.
I am trying to focus on the fact that I have a skilled surgeon in a world class hospital, and that I have a better than even chance of having a relatively small procedure done.
I was out for a walk, and at that time I didn’t know about the cleansing stuff I have to do tomorrow, so I bought pork for lentil soup. Now I think I’d better not eat any read meat. Maybe I’ll go out and treat myself to a supper out. I can do some cleaning instead of cooking.
Uncertainty is a bitch. That is a big thing I’m facing, and like everyone else, I hate it. I don’t know what’s going to happen, how much it will hurt, and what they will find. And whether the operation will go well.
I also have a therapy appointment set up for tomorrow evening, and can’t decide whether to go or to cancel. With the cleansing, it might be tricky, but it is at a time where I think I could manage it. Weighing the comfort of seeing Ron again once more before the scary horrible operation, vs. the stress of fitting it in right before hand, and the possibility that this session may open things up instead of soothing them down.
I wish I had deep thoughts to offer on sickness and health, or uncertainty, and I don’t at all. I’m in the dark here. Mostly this seems to be about a ton of fear and trepidation.
A good thing is that a lot of people are showing support, even people I don’t feel that terribly close to. My boss has been kind and shared a bit about similar operations relatives have had, and her own recent operation, for something different. I’m all ears for stories about operations at the moment, I find them endlessly fascinating. And people are kind enough not to tell me about ones that didn’t have a good outcome. Some friends I know through I group I used to go to are coming to visit me – I don’t see them often, but we’ve known each other for years. A friend whom I wasn’t getting along with has been surprisingly open to talking about this and will also visit me.
So I should have some visitors while in hospital, which will make me feel cared about. And my mother will come, and likely my sister and father also. It really is time to use the supports I do have, and I’m realizing I do have a few.
I’m reading a rather trashy novel. Why is trash so anxiety reducing? For me it has to be the right trash – this one is a story about a young woman addicted to coke who goes to rehab,Rachel’s Holiday by Marian Keyes. I’m interested in this topic. And she throws in a lot of jokes. And the heroine has this kick-ass attitude, made up of a lot of denial but also sheer feistiness. Not literature, but I find it soothing.
What do you like to read in times of anxiety and stress?