Dark

God I feel terrible. And today is a bright day, first sun in many days. I went for my walk, but I guess I walked too far and got dissociated. Or something. I feel as if everything is hollow and full of tears.

I have to clean up because ex-hub, son and friend are coming over. Ex h cooked, so all I am responsible for is a salad.

I really need to do the dishes, vacuum, clean bathroom. That’s it. Make salad. I can do it if I can move through whatever the heck this is. It’s like being under a bad spell cast by an evil wizard.

I fell into a light sleep after the walk that was too long. Which plunged me into this depression I guess.

It doesn’t seem fair – I’m trying to get fit, so of course, I get to be plunged into despair. Or not despair – a kind of sorrowful lethargy. Despair implies thinking, and I can’t think. My limbs are just heavy, my eyes want to close, and everything seems very dark.

Things are not so bad. But if I could just move through this. It’s like green goo is all over my body. That would be disgusting so if that were the case, I could see why I’d be upset.

I write to Ron about it. I don’t feel much better yet, but maybe in a while I will. He likely won’t read my email until late tonight or tomorrow anyway.

Well, if you are out there in blog land, maybe send me a healing thought wave that I can climb out of this hole and get it together.

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25 comments
  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, maybe you could take it step by step? Definitely sending you lots and lots of warm healing thoughts dear. xxxx

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the kind wishes Chatte.

  2. weareonebyruth said:

    Throwing a hand out to you Ellen. I recognize that feeling. I always think about the story of the donkey when I need to shake it off and step up. These are the moments when I remind myself I can do anything for 5 minutes. Thinking about you and sending you thoughts of healing and hanging on. Hugs. Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Ruth. I did manage to cope in the end – likely healing thoughts helped.

      • weareonebyruth said:

        I am glad you found a way to cope. Hugs.

  3. Bourbon said:

    Today has been a very heavy struggle for me too. I think after all the hype and forced celebrations of December, the 1st January is always a bit of a come down. Only we go down too far before coming up to find our equilibrium again, or something like that. Thinking of you anyway my dear xox

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you also are struggling Bourbon. May be the holiday stress. Thanks for the support.

    • Ellen said:

      Caught ’em. Thanks Cat’s.

  4. laura said:

    sorry for your suffering, hope the naming of it, and reaching out for your homeys, will help you climb out!
    happy new year.

    • Ellen said:

      The naming of it did help, as did the support, thank you. Happy New Year to you Laura.

  5. Juliet said:

    Healing thoughts and good wishes shipped off to you! I hope they help. xx

    • Ellen said:

      They helped. Thank you Juliet. xox

  6. artyelf said:

    A galaxy of healing light is on its way to you from me.
    Did the kid get that Christmas present? Maybe it’s time to get it out and give it a huge hug, and let it work its magic to get rid of the evil wizard!
    Lots of love to you ♡♥♡

    • Ellen said:

      You understand about evil wizards Elyn! The dragon idea is good. Thanks for the healing light – it did help me. Hugs xoxo

      • artyelf said:

        Ah yes, I understand them very well. I used to carry a wand when I traveled to help my friend on her journey, and would often wave it across her to get rid of those wicked wizard thoughts! So glad you got the dragon, I know it may seem silly to others, but getting things like that for your self and the kid is so important for you right now ~ and a bit of magical thinking can’t hurt, the dragon can be your protector.
        And the healing light gets sent to you every morning and night, and will continue for as long as needed. Just remember there are lots of people here, with you in their hearts ♡

        • Ellen said:

          Yes, the dragon definitely helps. I got a YA book now also that the kid will like, about magic and flying and such. A wand would be good also. 🙂

          Thank you for the healing light – I believe I feel it sometimes! xoxo

  7. Glad to read in the comments that you’ve moved through the darkness a bit.

    Still reading and thinking of you, thinking good thoughts!!

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Aaron, appreciated!

  8. Ellen,

    So happy to see that from reading your replies to the messages, you are better.

    I do believe in the power of sending- and receiving- thoughts of peace, healing, and strength. I know that I have often felt the waves of good thoughts coming from others. Helped me when I felt myself falling into a hole.

    Although my thoughts are coming in a little late, if you are like me, you can always use them. So sending you waves of peace and strength.

    Tom

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Tom, appreciated. Take care

  9. laura said:

    just wanted to say that I admire your skill in getting through this dark patch. Seemed like it was a good thing that you had a sort of deadline (dinner with ex-hub and son), which was an extra incentive to pull yourself out of the pit sooner than you otherwise might have (and having them over was probably a comfort), you used your resources – writing the post, reaching out to blog friends for support, and to Ron, and you took a look at what was really going on, which was that things are not so bad. well done, E, you’ve obviously learned a lot!

  10. Amanda said:

    I want you to know that I’m holding you in thought and care, and hoping that you are pulled from this dark patch soon.

    I hope you can feel all the love being sent your way.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the kind thoughts Amanda.

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