Melancholy evening

I’m melancholy tonight. I’m glad I didn’t plan to go out, I don’t have the energy at all.

I’ve been continuing with walks. I’ve realized I actually prefer walking along streets where there are shops and people, rather than by myself in the park admiring nature. I thought I liked the park, but apparently not.

Today I walked in a neighbourhood in the west end of the city where I needed to run an errand anyway. I really enjoyed myself. I’m timing it for forty minutes, so twenty one way, twenty back. It’s enough for me to feel the exercise, but not enough to trigger dissociation. Next week I will increase to forty-five.

I figure it’ll be good for my recovery from surgery if I’m decently fit. Not sure if that can be accomplished in just a few weeks, but at least it feels quite good, so no harm done. I do feel a lift right afterwards also. Though days like today, I crash an hour or two later.

At home it’s as if I get stuck. I get stuck between small tasks, and just stand there doing nothing. It takes a long time to get through a morning routine – shower, teeth, clothes…it all takes a lot of effort and thinking about. When really – what’s to think about? Not a whole lot. That’s depression for you – you end up pondering every small task, is it worthwhile, should I lie down instead?

That’s why it’s good to go out. Seeing other people moving around, seemingly effortlessly, helps. I can copy them I suppose.

Today I still want to make lentil soup with sausage. That should be doable afterall.

How am I feeling about the cancer? Well, my nausea is getting better as time goes on. This is not the cancer, but having nausea for months was extremely distressing. So that feels good.

Sometimes I still feel scared, but not all the time. Sometimes I feel an absolutely huge sadness – that this happened to me, that this was my life, I don’t know. I know rationally my life is most likely not in danger, though you never know with operations. If I didn’t have modern medical care, I would in fact die. At times I have felt as if I were dead, just walking around afterwards looking at life from that viewpoint. It’s quite a strange feeling.

Today it feels very difficult. It is so dark outside. People get sick and die. I feel alone, though I know I do have friends.

I have made a new friend from my group I think. We have been exchanging emails, and it’s a good feeling. We both describe how we see life, and it’s interesting. I felt so betrayed by A from the group, this feels like an antidote. This person seems to like me without my trying. There’s none of the craving I felt with A. I wonder if I get pulled into that craving when I’m pursuing someone who is not terribly interested in me? There is none of that dynamic with this new friend. I hope it works out.

I’m reading a book about Bion’s psychological theories and creativity – it’s very interesting. A few months ago I’d never heard of Bion, and now I’m immersed in his theories.

Depth psychology. It’s hard to explain the interest it holds for me. It’s not personally helpful – I’d have no idea how to apply these theories to my situation, and Ron does not practice depth psychology. I don’t think you can with just one session a week, though I’m not sure. I just find it fascinating to ponder some of these ideas.

I’m also reading a mystery which is exploring a poisonous work atmosphere. I’m interested in office politics in general. But a part I don’t like is a ridiculous theory a character suggests, that lots of people have DID, and maybe the person they’re looking for is someone in the office who has it, so can’t remember her own actions, if an alter did them. Pulease….Beyond ridiculous. But then, if I didn’t suffer from a variant of this myself, what would I know, I’d just take it as presented. Maybe I won’t finish this book for that reason.

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7 comments
  1. Juliet said:

    I wish you a happy new year!! xx

    • Ellen said:

      Happy New Year to you also Juliet. xoxo

  2. artyelf said:

    I am just so glad you are writing, and expressing everything you are feeling, especially about the cancer. And getting into a routine of walking now, so many benefits for your body and mind, but it will help with your recovery too.
    You are doing so many good things, in the face of such a scary future, I think you’re great.
    Love to you xox

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Elyn. I’ve actually been reluctant to write but almost always feel better for it. Thanks for supporting me, I appreciate it. I am doing some good things in between the lethargy. Peace to you. xox

  3. Harriet said:

    It sounds like things are going fairly smoothly – I hope it works out with your friend from the group too. It would be good to have someone to share with who understands. Happy new year to you, I hope 2013 turns out to be a good year for you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the kind thoughts Harriet. Health and happiness in 2013 to you also.

  4. I’m very sorry things look so dark right now, but it’s a good thing that you’re doing stuff that makes you feel good (I adore lentil soup!). I’m staying home too, didn’t feel like going anywhere, but you’ll be in my thoughts as the years comes in here in Mexico, I’ll wish for you to have healthy year and to recover fast from surgery. xox

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