Christmas yesterday was OK. I woke sluggish and nauseous so it was a challenge to get going and make brunch for my son and my ex….but I did it. My son kind of liked the huge parka I got him so he’ll be warm in one of Canada’s coldest cities. That may not sound like much but he has hated almost everything I’ve given him in the past, especially clothes, so it’s not bad. I think he’ll like it more when he sees how warm it keeps him.
And good calm spirits were had by all – no Christmas fights or even bad feelings. The pancakes were good, fruit salad with blackberries and kiwi eaten up, presents unwrapped. My son even packed away the paper for recycling. It’s restful to have people around whom I’ve known so many years, no performance is necessary, and we can just sit quietly at times if we want.
After a nap, I cooked brussel sprouts with garlic, butter and lemon and go off to a friend’s for dinner. It was OK. My dish somehow got lost in translation once it was reheated in the oven – all the careful flavouring disappeared – I might as well just have boiled the sprouts and left it at that. Disappointing.
Plus by that time, my social skills had pretty well deserted me. At times I just sat at the dinner table unable to talk and wanted to cry. Very embarrassing. Apparently the party broke up early because I looked like I wanted to go home, and I was driving people. I hadn’t quite realized, but my friend called me this morning and that was the case.
I guess I do get emotional at this time of year and find it hard. Plus, I’d just had another appointment with my surgeon the day before, on the twenty fourth. It would have been good to discuss it, but it didn’t seem like appropriate dinner conversation for Christmas dinner, with someone there whom I barely know. Though maybe I could have mentioned it. Maybe not. Probably not.
Anyway, I ended up sitting there unable to talk and felt like an idiot. Not like a good guest at all.
But I was glad not to be alone at any rate. Today I’ve been alone which was fine at first but by tonight I’m lonely.
The surgeon appointment was scary. Early in the morning too, when I’m not at my best. I was extremely scared before hand, then scared in his office, then scared still afterwards.
This was the appointment where they tell you all the things that may go wrong or my make this a more serious operation. A lot of stuff can go wrong – who knew.
There’s a 25% chance they’ll have to do a more serious operation, depending on what he sees when he’s operating, in which case my recovery time and hospital time would double. There is a chance I’d need a temporary colostomy bag for a few months after the operation. Apparently there is a mistake that sometimes happens where they injure the tube to the bladder. When they bind up the colon again, that site can leak. There is a risk of infection (OK, that one I knew about).
Then two weeks after the operation, I would find out whether there is lymph node involvement and if I’ll therefore need chemo.
Then it turns out I have a ‘budding’ type of cancer polyp. Hmm…I didn’t totally understand this, but it’s a more threatening kind than other kinds. But, the surgeon says it was totally surrounded by healthy tissue, so it seems like it hasn’t advanced very far. So he said it all evens out.
I think by and large, he’s saying it’s likely I’ll have the minimally invasive surgery with no other complications. However, he doesn’t know for sure until he operates.
It was hard to hear all this, then imagine it in gruesome detail. In a way it might be better just to go into the operation a little more blind, not knowing all the ins and outs, just trusting for the best.
So, I’m obviously obsessed by this topic. I’ve noticed that once in a while now though I won’t be thinking about cancer for a while – today I was watching a movie and relaxed enough to enjoy it a bit for instance. No thought of cancer crossed my mind.
And I talked to Ron today on the phone by pre-arrangement. Kind of him. I am scared of the phone, so really scared to phone Ron. I phone him and he is so calm. I am a bit of a mess – I tell him about the Christmas dinner, and my surgeon appointment. I’d say the tone was a teenaged tone – a bit overwrought, wanting to tell him lots of details of things.
Talking to Ron was scary, but it chased my lethargic depression away. He said we can talk again before our next appointment, if I want, I can email him to set it up. Don’t know if I will, but I like having the option.
I think it’s good for me to talk about the medical issues and my feelings. I don’t need another layer of post traumatic stress to deal with afterwards because I once again had to stuff all my feelings about it away. So I am grateful I have Ron to talk to.