Christmas thoughts

xmas_storiesI don’t believe I’ve written my gloom and doom, woe is me Christmas post yet, so I’d say it’s high time!

I should be happy and relieved, and I am. I am grateful the scan is good and that I shall likely live many more years. I truly am.

Meanwhile icy rain is pelting down through the dim grayness of the outdoors. A freezing East wind whistles through my coat when I go outside. So I think I’ll stay in the warmth, here alone in my apartment.

I always feel teary and whiny at Christmas, and this year is no exception. Though last year was better than most, because I found out about the kid and did things for her. I’m not that sentimental myself, but the kid parts long for presents and Christmas decorations, cookies, people, and carols. Personally I can do without. I like to admire the Christmas lights though. And I’d go to the Messiah if someone else wanted to come. But the other things, I can do without.

Not so the kid. The kid wants the whole thing. Mostly I didn’t know about this. All I knew is that every Christmas I’d feel depressed and weepy. It was a huge surprise to me that I cheered up last year when I bought kid type presents and put up some decorations. It’s hard to explain how that works. I personally feel no pull towards cute stuffed animals. However I can buy one for the kid, and when she gets it, she’ll be happy, making me also feel happy. That is the oddness of dissociation.

Today I bought chocolate truffles for gifts from a fancy chocolate place. That will pretty well take care of presents for me, except for one gift for the ex and a big coat for my son. Hope everyone likes their presents. Everything I buy, I would also like, and that’s the best I can do at the moment.

I think at Christmas I long for a real family – not an ex-husband, but a husband or friend who wants to be around me all day long, for whom I wouldn’t be a burden, who would feel happy because I was there. I long for that so much.

This year I may skip the FOO big Christmas meal on the 24th. It always makes me feel sad and unloved. I am going to a family birthday on Saturday – that should be enough. I think this will be a good step in taking care of myself – not going to something I know makes me sad. I will go to a friend’s house instead.

I have been reading a collection of Christmas stories for children. Some of them really touch me. There is a very old story for instance about a French saint who rings a bell to help guide boats on the river Seine in the fog. He grows old, he runs out of fire wood, but keeps ringing his bell to warn ships. Then on a cold Christmas Eve he is overcome with weakness and falls asleep on the cold ground. The heavenly Christ child visits him that night, casting a wonderful glow over his island….and a woodcutter from the shore who came to check on him witnesses this miracle. And the saint wakes up, and lives to keep praying and ringing his bell…

I loved the simplicity of this story, and the goodness in it. And the kid loved the idea of a magical child coming to help. So I’m maybe sentimental after all.

  1. artyelf said:

    If I lived closer, I’d spend the day with you. It would be a pleasure. (So long as I got a truffle!)
    Sounds like you and the kid are doing some good things, taking care of yourselves, I liked the story too. xox

    • Ellen said:

      I don’t think it’s possible to live further apart than we do Elyn! I bet it would be lovely to spend the day with you also. Of course, truffles would be in the picture. The story really touched me for some reason – I’m glad you liked it, though I told it very badly and left a lot out. You realize how much you forget once you try and re-tell a story. Thank you. xox

  2. My DH chooses to work because Christmas is not a holiday he enjoys. Wouldn’t it be fun to be teleported to a cafe table and have Christmas breakfast together? I feel a whole gamut of feelings. I am trying to decide if I am going to wrap my Christmas presents to myself. I also discovered that the kid in me wants the whole thing. Early in my counseling one of the first Christmas’s I skipped Christmas all together… No tree, no decorations, no presents, nothing….I didn’t feel any better. Now I try to balance what I need with how much energy I have this time of year. Learning about my Kid parts introduced me to a whole new set of needs I didn’t know I had but felt deprived by not meeting them. After integration, I still enjoy nurturing my ‘inner-child’. I have a web page I go to for ideas: I learned a lot from this woman. She is not in parts but understands how unmet needs as a child tumble over into unmet needs in an adult. Hugs and hoping you have a peaceful Christmas. PS. Good idea on skipping the family gathering that you know will be less than pleasant. I think I will skip one of them too. Thanks for the reminder to take care of myself.

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry your hubby doesn’t enjoy the holiday, but then, at least you don’t have to meet his expectations about it. I’d love to be teleported to that Christmas breakfast table! 🙂 Interesting your experience was similar. I still wonder sometimes if I’m making these kid parts up, together with Ron, somehow. There is something cool about meeting inner kids needs and wants, I’m glad you are still doing that.

      I went to the link, it looks good. Reminds me of Flylady. OK, we’ll skip the family gathering together then. Hugs to you Ruth. Thanks.

  3. Harriet said:

    Yes, skip the family Christmas meal! If it makes you sad, don’t do it. Spend the day coloring and decorating cookies and then give them to some friends. I don’t celebrate Christmas, so feel free to email me on Tuesday if you want someone to talk to.

    • Ellen said:

      I’m going to a friend’s house on Xmas for dinner, so it will be fine. The family gathering is Christmas Eve, but I think I’ll just stay peacefully at home. Thanks for the email offer – will keep it in mind! Take care.

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