I’ve lost interest in blogging the details of my group and therapy. It’s still really important to me, but I feel like I want to grasp the essence, more than the actual back and forth. Not sure what has caused this change. Maybe I’m so emotional lately I’m not retaining a lot of the actual words that are said.
I’m continuing with a lot of fear about having cancer. Friday a call came in on my phone, ‘Private Number’, and my heart stopped. The hospital blocks it’s number, so I concluded it was the hospital with bad news of my scan. It turned out to be my family doctor, who wants to see me for a follow-up, non-urgently. OK. But I couldn’t calm down for most of the rest of the day.
Nausea is again better, though not gone. I’m also having some pain, which I’ve had before, but it’s in the digestive area so of course it worries me. Sigh. I wish I’d gone to get these aches and pains checked out years ago. Just the last two years I’ve started to deal with dentists, and going to get things checked out medically.
Group was really nice this week. Lately I’ve been feeling supported and comfortable in the group, feeling as if people really care, and that I care about them in turn. So different from last year.
A and I did get into our relationship a bit at last week’s group, and it wasn’t that pretty. But I listened to some silly accusations on his part without retaliating, I just cried a bit. And I insulted him, before I even knew it, then talked about why I’d felt drawn to him, feeling lonely, wanting to talk to someone who understood therapy and going through stuff.
There wasn’t any kind of reconciliation last week, but this week, I felt better about him again. Everything he said didn’t grate on me. I bumped into him on the way in, and he just stopped and looked at me without saying anything, so I said Hi, and he said Hi, and we went in.
E was absent this week. For some reason, the group seems a lot calmer when she’s not there, and there is more of a sympathetic spirit. I don’t know why that is really. Hey, maybe if I’m not there that happens also. But anyway, even the light seemed nicer, kind of a golden glow.
Everyone except one person talked about their families, including a woman who rarely talks, and another shyer group member also. We could mostly relate to each other’s experience of our families. It is soothing to be able to relate, because so often I feel so different, being in parts, and having had the SA. So I really liked that feeling. No one really got into their feelings in terms of crying….it was just talking. Which is kind of restful actually.
About half an hour before the end of group, I started to get a real longing for Ron to talk to me. It was so strong – I really wanted his attention. However, it wasn’t a panic. I couldn’t figure out how to make that happen, so I just lived with the feeling, but it was interesting, how strong that was.
Then going out, a kind of nice thing happened. Y asked me if I wanted to exchange contact info. I gave him my email. He must like me. Platonically, he’s newly married and anyway very young. He’s got an interesting creative job. I hope I can get to know him a bit. I don’t feel that disturbing pull towards him that I felt with A at all, so it all seems fine. Very odd how I felt so fraught about anything A did.
I often have trouble sleeping after group, but not this time. I felt a little sad at all the sadness the group experienced growing up, but that was OK.
Group breaks for a month now. I may just miss one week of it, depending how I feel in January. I would not have thought I’d start trusting the group and looking forward to it, but I do.