I’m getting used to the idea of the big C, and having the operation. I’ve been back to the hospital now three times, including getting a CT scan today. Lots and lots of waiting.
The surgeon is a very young Indian man, very handsome and kind of bollywood actually. He doesn’t think this is a big tumour or that it’s spread, and he says it might even have all been cut out at the colonoscopy, but they can’t be sure. He’s very reassuring.
I of course am petrified. I’m having various aches and pains in the digestive area, and of course I attribute everything to cancer. But the doctor says I don’t have any symptoms of cancer in fact. The only one was the bleeding that happened months ago.
Who knows. I find it difficult to deal with the fear. It attacks in waves – I don’t have it all the time, but when I do, it’s fierce.
I went to my group the day I found out that I have this. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how kind Ron’s face was looking at me. I just wanted to look at him forever.
I told the group, and they were supportive.
Ron’s idea is that I should feel everything. He never reassures, so in therapy, I get into the fear and basically stay in it. He thinks if I don’t feel it, it’ll be dissociated and some other part of me will feel it. I agree with this, and I don’t. In a way, I like being reassured. It’s good to feel, and it’s also good to try and relax and focus on the hopeful aspects – that it’s likely small, that it likely will be cured, that once I get through January I’ll be well again.
Tonight I was again very scared. I phoned up my ex, J. He is being very decent. We have known each other so long, and I know I can count on him to come when I call. And he has a car and a job, and he is sensible about things not pertaining to himself. And I am not afraid of him.
I spend time telling him the details of going for the CT scan, and what I’m afraid of, and what the doctor thinks. It helps to just describe things. And to talk and say how I feel. He also puts things in a good light in a way that makes sense. But the main thing is the chance to talk and have someone hear me. So I hang up and feel a lot better.
It’s as if if I can only describe what is happening, and someone can listen, I can bear it all.