An anxiety full day. I’ve been wanting to be more positive, and there are positives around, just can’t quite do it.
This morning, eight AM, the doctor’s office phoned and they want to see me tomorrow. This just can’t be good, I think, it must mean they found something. You never get an appointment for the next day. Fear of cancer strikes me.
I was supposed to have a follow-up in two weeks, and it’s almost two weeks, but usually you get the appointment for a few weeks away.
I try phoning a friend to ask his opinion. Most days he works at home, but this day, of course, he is not there. I feel if I could tell this to someone, it would lose some of its awfulness.
If I were to have a serious illness, I’d be facing it pretty much alone.
Then I think, well, if I were to die, and people do, so why not me, if that were to happen – what did my life amount to? This is a question I’ve been struggling with anyway. I’m middle aged – I never did find work that was meaningful, I didn’t find a partner. I am trying to heal deep splits in me when I’m kind of old to be changing a lot.
I do mourn my thirties – those years were entirely lost, they were a struggle just to survive. Such a terrible marriage, no money or work…..Those seem like lost years to me. That is when people often re-group, if young adulthood didn’t go well, in your thirties you can still change course. Mine were taken up with being afraid of this husband.
In those years, I was simply constantly plunged into my PTSD, as he triggered it so regularly.
It wasn’t all his fault. And I should have gotten out so much sooner, it was so clear how destructive it was. Anyhow.
The good thing is I do have this doctor’s appointment early in the morning, so I don’t have long to wait in suspense. And perhaps it’s something less bad, something that will explain the nausea I continue to have, something that can be treated.