An anxiety full day. I’ve been wanting to be more positive, and there are positives around, just can’t quite do it.

This morning, eight AM, the doctor’s office phoned and they want to see me tomorrow. This just can’t be good, I think, it must mean they found something. You never get an appointment for the next day. Fear of cancer strikes me.

I was supposed to have a follow-up in two weeks, and it’s almost two weeks, but usually you get the appointment for a few weeks away.

I try phoning a friend to ask his opinion. Most days he works at home, but this day, of course, he is not there. I feel if I could tell this to someone, it would lose some of its awfulness.

If I were to have a serious illness, I’d be facing it pretty much alone.

Then I think, well, if I were to die, and people do, so why not me, if that were to happen – what did my life amount to? This is a question I’ve been struggling with anyway. I’m middle aged – I never did find work that was meaningful, I didn’t find a partner. I am trying to heal deep splits in me when I’m kind of old to be changing a lot.

I do mourn my thirties – those years were entirely lost, they were a struggle just to survive. Such a terrible marriage, no money or work…..Those seem like lost years to me. That is when people often re-group, if young adulthood didn’t go well, in your thirties you can still change course. Mine were taken up with being afraid of this husband.

In those years, I was simply constantly plunged into my PTSD, as he triggered it so regularly.

It wasn’t all his fault. And I should have gotten out so much sooner, it was so clear how destructive it was. Anyhow.

The good thing is I do have this doctor’s appointment early in the morning, so I don’t have long to wait in suspense. And perhaps it’s something less bad, something that will explain the nausea I continue to have, something that can be treated.

  1. Juliet said:

    I hope everything goes well… keeping my fingers crossed for you and you’re in my thoughts. Hugs xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Juliet. Nice to get your comment right when I needed it. xoxo

  2. I know it’s hard, but try not to worry too much in advance. Tomorrow morning will come soon enough. And as for your legacy, I think so many of us struggle with that. A few thoughts. You brought a child into this world. Yes, he is struggling right now, but I have faith that he will find his way. And you are the amazing person who gave life to the amazing person he will be. Also, you have such a gift with words and expressing yourself and this journey you are on. I am one of many people, I am sure, who take comfort from reading your blog on a regular basis. Your commitment to healing, along with the other bloggers I read, helps me keep on doing the work I am doing. I bet you didn’t even know that you had given me a gift? We’re roughly the same age (late 40s, no?) and I feel like it’s only the past three years that I have made real steps towards healing. Thirties… well… we were both busy surviving. Some people never get to explore this stuff. C.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes I do have a child. Well. I didn’t know you took comfort in reading what I write – thank you, that is really touching. I do have the feeling I should write more – just can’t quite figure out what, but it would be somewhat meaningful to do that. I’m looking for meaning. Provided I stay alive of course. It helps to know you also were surviving your thirties. Thanks very much Catherine. I appreciate your kind words.

  3. attached said:

    I am glad you are going to get to see the doctor tomorrow morning. Some doctors are good at not calling to ask you to come in if they don’t have time to see you quickly because they know the wait is stressful. I hope your doctor is like that and the news isn’t as bad as you fear. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

    I struggle with feeling like I’ve wasted time too. I think it is a defense that prevents me from working hard in the present because the echo of it is too late and you could have been further ahead if you had done this earlier. Maybe you can figure out whether you are “simply” (I don’t mean simple really) mourning the lost years or if there is more to it.

    • Ellen said:

      Maybe it is a policy the doctor has. Hadn’t thought of that. It is a hopeful thought.Thank you for thinking of me.

      I don’t know. I haven’t really mourned, so it could be that, because I wasn’t really feeling much, or at least not connecting the dots, before. I’m sorry you feel similar. Maybe it is also a defense….

      I appreciate the support very much.

  4. Bourbon said:

    Sending many positive thoughts your way. Ill be thinking of you xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thank your Bourbon. Appreciated. xox

  5. harrietmwelch said:

    Oh it is so stressful to wait for a doctor’s call or visit. I dealt with that last year, my doctor wanted me to come in and I begged her assistant to have the doctor talk to me on the phone. I don’t do well with waiting for results. But as you said, you did have plans for a follow up, and if it was something very bad they would have had you come in earlier. It will be great when it is over because at least you will have knowledge of whatever it is, whether good or bad, and then you can make a plan and carry on. My fingers will be crossed for you, and please keep us posted.

    Sometimes our lives have more meaning than we realize. I think you are a special person, a wonderful writer, and I know you would make a good friend. Try to get some sleep tonight!

  6. Hi Ellen, I assume shortly you will have gotten the information from your doctor. When you can, please let us all know how things are going as I and others are keeping you in our thoughts and would like to know what happened.

    Best of luck, I am sure you will be okay no matter what.


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