I’m feeling relieved at the moment. I went for a colonoscopy today, so I’m relieved that’s over with. It wasn’t really a problem at all, after all the worries. She did find one polyp so they’ll examine that, but most likely it’s OK. The hardest part was the day before, ‘cleansing’. There’s this solution you have to drink an awful lot of, and it tastes pretty bad. But other than that – no real problems at all.
So nice to deal with a health concern like a mature adult. My other concern was that I would switch into younger parts because of the stress of it. That happened the day before, but not in the hospital. Yay! I guess I dread embarrassment.
I haven’t detailed my therapy session from last week yet. Similar to the week before, we spent a lot of it discussing the group, then towards the end I switched into the kid. The kid had a lot to tell Ron about, and ended up crying again. So I spent the weekend recovering from that and couldn’t write.
Honestly, I spend most weekend time incapacitated because of therapy. It is frustrating. However, I do have time during the week, due to an ultra-lax work situation, so maybe I shouldn’t complain.
I get to Ron’s office in plenty of time.
E. It’s hard to know what to bring up in the group. I mean, I keep having these extreme experiences in therapy, and then moving to my parents’ brought up a lot, but I go to the group and don’t talk about that. They don’t really have anything to do with the other people there.
R. You can talk about that. If the group only focuses on interpersonal relationships, it wouldn’t have much to work with. It’s important to bring both types of experiences, your reactions to group members, and issues from your life. And there’s a lot of time to do that, there are a lot of silences.
E. OK, so I’ll try bringing in more stuff from my life. Because with therapy, feeling so devastated afterwards, I mean, I have no one to talk to about that at all.
Ron says more theoretical stuff about the group, which as usual I hate. But I listen and continue once he’s finished. I know he wants me to respond to what he’s saying, but I don’t because I don’t feel I care. I want to express how I see it.
E. I feel like you’re singling me out for teaching or feedback. It feels like criticism to me, like how I’m saying things just isn’t right. And I don’t see you giving that kind of feedback to anyone else except me. It’s hard for me, because I feel like we had a connection, but we’ve struggled so much, now we’ve lost it, and I feel so bad about that.
R. Well, I don’t feel I’ve lost a connection with you, I feel we do have a strong connection.
I think about this. I like hearing it actually. Maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem sometimes. Maybe Ron and I still do have a strong connection. This comment, plus the one about my working hard in the group, reassures me somehow.
E. And the other thing is, I don’t go deep like other people, because I’m in parts. It’s different for me. A lot of my emotions are bound up in parts. It seems like you’re trying to psychoanalyze one part of me, but mostly the problems are coming from these other parts. So in the group, I end up ‘translating’ for parts, and it’s not that great.
R. Would it be OK for me to bring in parts in the group? I haven’t done that because I didn’t think you wanted me to. In fact, I seem to remember you explicitly telling me not to.
E. Yeah? I don’t remember that. Maybe.
R. When I talk to you in the group, I’m always trying to talk to all of you, the whole group of you, not just to the more everyday self that is talking.
E. Well, I guess it would be OK. Maybe.
R. How about this? Why don’t we experiment with bringing in parts, and see how it goes.
E. OK, we can try it.
R. Because it’s important for you to be able to show up as who you really are. And if the real you is in parts, then that is how you need to show up in group. Otherwise group becomes a kind of torture.
Ron has quite a bit more to say on the group, and I’ve forgotten all of it. I wonder if stuff I forget still stays with me somehow, to be recalled some other time? Or is it gone forever? I’m mostly impatient for him to stop talking. Very bad of me, but that is the truth.
…to be continued