Group was difficult this evening. I had a lot of difficult interactions with Ron. And it’s hard when I’m hurting a lot from the memory from last week, and then he is not sympathetic to me. So it’s hard.
Part of the problem is I don’t quite feel free to bring my therapy experiences into the group, so no one then can help me with them. It’s a little unclear as to what is grist for the group, overall. Today there was a lot of back and forth between Ron and myself about how to respond to other people – he felt I deflect things without absorbing and ‘going deeper’. And he felt I don’t let people react to me, but rush to reassure that I didn’t mean what they’re thinking I meant.
The other problem is I’m in parts, and I don’t really know how to bring that into the group. Because the group is stressful, parts get activated, so I’m kind of letting them speak through me, or translating, in a way. I never find this works out very well. All the most problematic aspects of these parts manifest, and none of the pain and really, some good qualities they have, none of that makes it through for some reason.
I find for therapy to help me, it’s better for me to simply switch into the parts. This half switching drives me crazy.
So between struggling with the therapist, not talking about a major emotional experience I’ve had, and parts going haywire – a f’ing difficult evening was had.
Today I’m grateful for the bright late fall sun, and the walk with a friend I had because of it.