Father issue

A rainy and warm November day. I enjoy the rain sometimes, and we haven’t had a lot yet this year.

I’m still at my parents’ but am losing hope the problem was my apartment. I’m noticing the nausea responds a bit to what I eat – for instance a latte this morning made it worse. Successfully went for the fasting blood test. I forgot to ask when my doctor would get the results.

I dream of messing up a meeting at work – can’t find the documents, can’t find the phone number, important people in suits sitting around waiting for me to figure it out. That sense of panic when you just can’t cope. Eventually everyone leaves, and my father is there. He speaks to no on in particular ‘Look what a stupid daughter I have. Can you believe how stupid she is?’

I turn and yell at him ‘Look how you always treated me! You always put me down! No wonder I’m like this!’

Two people cheer me on, a woman with light hair and a man who is indistinct.

I wake up.

I’ve been reading about Jungian dream analysis. This dream doesn’t fit well with that, but the reading is making me more interested in my dreams. For Jungians everything in a dream is symbolic and stands for something else. And every figure in the dream is a representation of a part of the self.

But if I take the dream more literally, it does make sense to me. Anger at my critical father. I’m thinking that’s what’s coming up for me with Ron. I feel outraged every time he interprets or talks about theory. Why should that upset me? I’m thinking it’s my feelings as a child towards my father.

I was never verbally encouraged, though to be fair my parents did work hard at giving their kids educational experiences – we were all read to, taken to musicals and the opera, taken to art galleries, etc etc. I take a lot of culture for granted – I can tell Bach from Mozart in a moment without any thought, for instance, while my friends cannot.

The lack of encouragement was severe though. Lack of praise I guess. I’d get top marks in school, and that was simply taken for granted. I’d have intellectual type arguments with my father, which he always won, with his adult knowledge and intelligence. Maybe knowledge was used as a battering ram – a way to have power over other people, and to show you were better than they are.

I’ve been angry with my father since I was a child, maybe since grade seven or eight. In the last decades, I’d put that feeling on ice. We don’t interact much in any case. If we did, likely I’d scream at him.

At the same time, I cared very much what he thought. I care a lot less what my mother thinks. Not sure I still care what he thinks, but I did as a child and younger adult. It was unspoken as I got older, but I knew I was a complete disappointment.

Anger hurt rage pain…..Father issues.

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10 comments
  1. catherineintoronto said:

    sharon and i do a lot of dream analysis, but i’ve never asked her from what theoretical perspective… i wonder why i haven’t asked… anyhow, we just free associate… does a certain something, or place, or person, or feeling in the dream remind me of anything… which parts are me, which parts are her, or other people… i always get something from it.

    did they check your gallbladder? when my gallbladder was getting worse this summer, and i had no idea yet what was wrong, i often felt nauseous after eating full-fat or high-fat things… i was sick for three days after a small serving of macaroni and cheese for instance. at first i wondered if i was lactose intolerant, then worried about an ulcer, etc. until they figured it out. in the end, a hamburger and fries put me in the hospital, they did the ultrasound, and voila, an answer!

    • Ellen said:

      I think associating to dream images is standard…that’s kind of what Ron would do also. I’m just taking this dream literally though. But hopefully I’ll dream a more symbolic type dream that I can work more with.

      Nope, they didn’t check that. I led my doctor down a blind alley with the allergy theory, so she hasn’t really checked anything except blood. I was wondering about lactose intolerant also. I’ll mention gallbladder if I go again. I may bite the bullet and try a naturopath also. Maybe it’s hormonal…I did hit a milestone birthday lately.

      Thanks Catherine
      xoxo

      • catherineintoronto said:

        “if” you go again?? i sure hope you do go again, sounds like she really hasn’t investigated your pain and nausea in very much depth, and it’s horrible to live with… i know… i thought of gallbladder when you said latte, as it’s usually made with full-fat milk.. long before i got the infection my gallbladder was sending me little hints… anyhoooo…

        love the picture… guess you were in the park while the weather was lovely… i’ve had so much homework, no walkies for me!

        • Ellen said:

          Well, I’ll go again in a few weeks if I need to. I’ve now cut out dairy and it’s helped. Also cut out coffee. I’m thinking it may be irritable bowel. Anyhow, it’s a better though not vanquished.

          Glad you liked the pic. I find I always need walks no matter how busy I get. Hope the school year continues good for you. Thanks Catherine

  2. aallegoric said:

    I like that you defended yourself in your dream xx

  3. weareonebyruth said:

    I learned that dreams came in a variety of ways, symbolically, real events, blended events with movies or stories I’ve read, or just off the wall mind dump that is difficult to sort out what is real and what is not. My dreams were the only place that I gained access to some memories but it was difficult because the dreams were unreliable. I did eventual sort out a rough sketch of childhood events. Seems to me that your mind is piecing together past events. Giving you only as much as you will accept for right now. This part of the process is where my picture with 1000’s of puzzle pieces on the floor. Putting events together with the emotions that were denied at the time. I suspect Ron is going to hear a lot more of your anger. You are making great progress. I found that my parts stored particular memories that I couldn’t accept at the time. In your dream you stand up for yourself. I think that is a fairly clear indicator that you are ready to stand up for yourself. Go you. 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for sharing your experience Ruth. My memories are definitely held in parts also. Take care

    • Ellen said:

      I am honoured. Thanks AG!

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