Another view

I wish I was a writer.

Sun is setting in my lovely allergy producing apartment. I dance to CBC drive music. Fun. Worry about going to group. Glad Obama won.

Hungry and it’s only five. Need to leave for group six fifteen. Driveway is being re-done, palaver of parking on the street, then on driveway at night, pain in the butt.

Blood tests. Fasting. Don’t want to do it again.

Sadness about my mother. She didn’t protect me or support me while always looking good. Why couldn’t I have had a mother who cared more about her children than about looking good at all times and never ever complaining? I know this is passed down through generations. I know I didn’t do a great job with my own son.

Still sadness about my mother. Why couldn’t she care?

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13 comments
  1. Ruth said:

    I spent some time mourning the loss of the concept of having a mother. Irony my mother tells the story of me looking for a new mother when I was 5 years old. Sad thing is the story is all about how I hurt her and no wondering as to why a 5 year old would be in search of a new mother. Hugs…Might want to talk about that in group to see if some of the others points of view.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, why would she. That is the question they likely do not want to think about. I did mention this in passing in group, and one of the other members responded that she has similar issues with hers. Hugs to you Ruth

  2. harrietmwelch said:

    Hugs from me too, from another one who is finding it hard to accept that I will never have a mother like the mother I really want. And really need. I keep reminding myself that others have much worse mothers, I guess that helps. And I didn’t do well with my son either, and that hurts more. I’m sorry you are hurting. Glad Obama won also. You are probably done with group by now, I hope it was ok.

    • Ellen said:

      I do the reminding also – not sure it helps me much. The way our mothers treated us is so embedded in our bones isn’t it. What to do. I really don’t know. I’m sorry about your son – it is a very painful thing. Thanks Harriet

  3. Hugs from me three. πŸ™‚

    I think you are a very good writer! We are always our own worst critics, aren’t we? I admire how you share your heart and your struggles and your fears with us. That takes courage.

    Oh I love dancing around the house to music! Florence and the Machine’s “Shake it Out” is a fun song to dance to.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Christy. I will check out Florence and the Machine. You are my music guru.

      • Haha, I like that guru stuff πŸ™‚

        I have that Florence song on my “running music” tab of my blog (the song has great lyrics too!). It’s a few songs down the page from Sep 10’s entry. There’s a few other dance around songs there too. Feel free to check em out and dance around when you’re feeling low. It really does help!

  4. attached said:

    It sounds like there is a lot of different things happening. I hope your group went okay tonight. I also hope that spending the weekend away from your apartment reduces your symptoms.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Di. At least hopefully I’ll figure out if it’s my apartment or some other thing.

  5. Reading and listening. Feel better, we are all keeping you in our thoughts Ellen.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the support Aaron.

    • Ellen said:

      Yep, it’s a tough nut.

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