I have group tonight and am not doing that well so maybe if I write it out I’ll be better for group. Group is not a place to show up if you’re not doing well, sadly. It’s too stressful, and its business is not crisis management. Not that this is a crisis but still. I will tell you my troubles dear blog. This is a complete moan.

The allergy to my apartment continues. If it is an allergy. Today I went, fasting, to get blood tests for everything imaginable. So proud of myself. I didn’t eat, yet still showered and dressed and was in my car by nine, to miss the morning rush. Got there, and it turns out I am not fasting purely enough. I had a (black) tea. That meant I wasn’t fasting, couldn’t get the test, must return once more.

An empty stomach makes my nausea worse for some reason, so it’s uncomfortable.

The air purifiers are helping but I still feel nausea. And the roar of their fan triggers me for some reason. I’m back to traumatic sleep, I think because of the sound of the fan. I no longer seem to dream, but wake up scared after a few hours unable to get back to sleep, my body flooded with adrenaline. So I turn the purifier off and feel sick the next day.

I tell the landlady the people on the first floor are smoking in their apartment. She insists this is completely impossible, they only smoke outside. She doesn’t smell anything. I don’t say this, but when you get older your sense of smell is no longer as good.

Stuff wrong with my stomach triggers me. So I’ve got parts crying and saying bits of things which I don’t understand.

It turns out I dissociated in order to cope so well with getting to the hospital fasting. So when I got back home, my usual aftermath of that kicked in. Overwhelming fatigue, then a nap, then waking up in a deep depression, then a slow climb back to functionality.

I did go for a long walk in the park this sunny fall day. So I’m somewhat restored. Did you know beauty hurts when you’re in pain? It does.

My parents are away for a few weeks, so I will move into their house over the weekend to see if my symptoms subside. I’m fairly sure they get better when I’m away from my apartment, but at this point they’re always faintly there. A few days break will be a good test.

As to group and therapy, I feel my relationship to Ron is at an all-time low point. We parted when I was very angry, and it’s been a week, and I’m not sure anything has changed. As was the case last year with conflict in the group, I don’t feel he supports me in my troubles with A. I long for his support. But another part of me whispers, well, he’s a man, of course he sees it A’s way.

And did I mention the roaring of the air purifier is driving me insane?

  1. Ruth said:

    Good luck tonight. Hope you feel OK. OK means getting by with what you need to do. 🙂


  2. catherineintoronto said:

    thinking of you. hope it goes ok tonight.

  3. Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that about the fasting Ellen. I’ve had some blood draws recently and I swear they make it so complicated. I hope your allergies clear up while your at your parents’ home, if anything so you get some physical relief.

    Hope group went well. thinking of you…

    • Ellen said:

      It’s hard to see what difference a cup of black tea can make to my blood. But anyhoo.

      Thanks Christy

  4. Bourbon said:

    I’m sorry the air purifiers don’t seem to be working too well. Especially if even having them on at all is triggering for you. What a horrible situation this is for you 😦 We just want our homes to be a perfectly safe place really. Not be the cause of making us ill! 😦 xx

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I need my home to feel safe, and right now it’s no longer a place of safety. That’s exactly the problem. Thanks Bourbon. xox

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