I guess the thing that hurts the most is that Ron doesn’t see how hard I’m trying. How hard it is to stay in his group when I’m fragmenting. How I don’t want to lash out any more, because it doesn’t help anything. How different I feel from the other people there, who are all in one piece and don’t struggle with dissociation. How other people’s struggles to simply speak isn’t really my struggle.
The thing that hurts the most is that my relationship to Ron gets so damaged. I was working on parts and PTSD, and now that has stopped. I was having fewer flashbacks, I was more aware of parts and allowing them some space.
I have therapy tomorrow and don’t want to go. I visualize simply sitting in silence.
The other thing is, why bother discussing the group. It’s like a disaster that happens, like a weather system. Discussing it afterwards is like pretending there’s no weather. There is lots of weather. It’s not exactly what is said. It’s the currents between people, it’s what Ron chooses to respond to and what not, it’s silences and tones of voice.
And speaking about it in a session, we pretend that Ron is a neutral observer, and he’s anything but. He’s deeply involved with every client, and feels in particular ways about them. He has all these reactions to his group which he doesn’t share.
Why discuss it outside of itself? It ends up just being a bunch of falseness.