Fury. Red hot, white fire, coursing through my body. Matching the weather – we are on the edge of Hurricane Sandy apparently. Raining for the last three days, and today we are to expect furious winds. No sign of them so far, but bring it on as far as I’m concerned. Let the world rage.
I want to get it down before I have to tamp it down and do some work.
I understand I’m over-reacting and not rational. I know. It doesn’t help.
I’m furious with Ron and his therapy. What else. Of course. Since I am clearly obsessed. We exchanged a few emails. Not that many. Last night I wrote him a short and angry one, which he will likely not bother to reply to. I didn’t specifically ask for a reply, so he won’t.
I keep obsessing about canceling my appointment, and giving group a miss for the week. Wow. As if this was some huge big deal. I don’t think this would have much of an impact on Ron, but maybe I would feel better, more in control.
The first email was to say how sad I was, and how I regretted a bit if I was harsh with A, and also I much more deeply regret the way I didn’t protect my son enough when he was a child. I felt I should have left my marriage when he was a baby.
Ron said he could hear my regret, and, if I didn’t like the effects I was having, I could adjust the effects. Which immediately made me furious. What effects is he talking about? And does he have one single clue how hard it was for me to cope as a young mother?
So I asked him what he meant by effects. Do I need charm school?
Ron. “I totally encourage you to let yourself have effects. If they aren’t the effects you want you can adjust and or refine.”
What the f does that mean?
I suspect it’s people in the group telling him how they feel about me. Or, it’s about A telling him about our meetings. Or what. What is he talking about?
So I ask what is he talking about. He says we should discuss in person, do I want an extra meeting.
No thank you. I don’t believe I’ll take my scheduled session either.
So then I feel completely bereft. Parts of me are extremely attached to Ron after all, even if he doesn’t always talk to us.
I spend my weekend trying to get over this. Sunday night, I decide to try again. As soon as I start writing, the depression vanishes and anger returns. I tell him he cares about A so much he can’t support me, that I’m happy with how I handled the group and it’s allowed me to feel resolved about A and let go, but I feel my relationship with Ron is now in the toilet, which always happens with group. It was a little more barbed and angry than what I’m sharing here.
I do feel that. Ron couldn’t even grant me that yes, likely A had ten minutes in which to return my call, but he chose not to, as this was most convenient for him. At least give me that. No. He defended A at every turn.
Are men blind to how they treat women? Or what? What is it that makes them see things like they do. Like you can always just shrug and carry on, pretend things never happened that did happen, they did.
I feel he was completely unsympathetic to me, and it hurts a lot. I have put a lot of trust in him.
So I obsess about quitting therapy and quitting group. It’s a way to deal with the pain of it. I’m wanting not to act out by canceling things, to sit and endure. Or should I follow my feelings for once, and not show up. I can’t decide.