I have not been wanting to feel things, so I haven’t been writing, and I haven’t been writing to Ron either. Very self-contained these last weeks. It took me a long time to feel better after the last therapy session. I still don’t know what to do with that memory, how to make sense of it in my mind. Perhaps that is the essence of dissociation – memories and feelings seem to have happened to someone else. Even when they come back, they don’t seem like my own.
I’ve had a cold since Wednesday. Very miserable yesterday. Finally, after a day of nose dripping uncontrollably, I decided to try an anti-histamine, and what a relief. I’m getting these odd colds that combine a head cold with an allergy attack. For me, and allergy attack that is out of control is completely disabling – my eyes and nose stream constantly. Very odd, because my allergy season is essentially over. I suspect my body’s defenses are low because of the constant jarring of PTSD. So this falling apart happens.
Today was a better day. I did some work, so won’t book another day off sick. I don’t get paid for sick days, but it’s a grey area, because working from home is OK. I’ll take a one day hit for Thursday and let it go at that.
I’ve been considering how alone I am. This week it’s not bothering me, though I have barely spoken to anyone all week. I wonder if it’s something I put out – that people don’t want to talk to me or be around me? I’m not looking for reassurance BTW, to anyone who knows me. Just – how come I’m alone all the time at work, and most of the time at home?
I have friends, and I spend time with them. But essentially, I am always by myself.
I’ve been worrying / thinking about group, which begins next week again. I want to do a better job this time. I feel bad about how I behaved in the last group actually. I want to talk to Ron tomorrow about this.
For one thing, I want to try to hold on to the idea that Ron cares about me, even in the context of the group. I completely lose that sense in group for some reason, which makes me so anxious I can barely stand to stay in it.
I want to keep tabs on parts and not let them act out. That’s different from totally suppressing them. Having some scared child attack another group member just isn’t going to be helpful to anyone. It wasn’t helpful last year. Nothing really got worked out, I just stirred up a lot of pain as far as I can see.
I also want to be a supportive person. I do. Ron stresses honesty and ‘realness’, whatever that may be. But I think now, more than before, that there is a lot of value in showing kindness and support. All the people in a therapy group are suffering and fragile. We’re not supposed to be there to make friends – but what is wrong with showing concern?
I’m intending to talk to people before and after the group, not leave in silence. I can at least wish them a good week, and maybe hope that whatever the issue is gets better? What would be wrong with that? We are all fellow travelers after all. I don’t see how some expressed fellow feeling in the group is going to be untherapeutic. I’m not a therapist, I’m just a person in a group, I can act like a normal human being.
I do wish R. would not be in the group. I won’t be offering him a ride home, and if he asks, I will actually refuse. I’m not interested in working out any feelings about him in the group. If he does that, I think it will be a cowardly act actually. He had the option of talking to me directly – if he feels safer in the group and decides to air his feelings, whatever they are, there, I’ll think he is too chicken shit scared to talk to me directly.
Anyway, trying not to obsess on R. I think the last group helped me with social relationships. I’d never considered the option of ‘being real’ before, so it was practice with that. I want to feel and express more sympathy with people, (OK, except for R). That will make it more of a healing force for me.