Thanks to all the lovely people who commented on my last few posts. I’m amazed at how you take the time to leave such detailed and insightful comments, as well as support. You all gave me a lot to think about.
I have bounced back from one of my worst weekends ever. I was devastated after the last therapy session. I think the child parts were so hurt that Ron didn’t want to talk with them. Or….I don’t even know what happened really. I felt my connection to Ron snap entirely. I’ve felt no desire to email him about this or anything else either. That’s unusual – usually if something goes wrong, I tell him about it to re-establish a sense of connection. This time, no.
Several times on the weekend, I got ready to go out, bag ready, lipstick, then laid back down instead, just couldn’t face going out. It’s like that invisible barrier which I can’t cross was up.
The few times I did go out, people looked at me funny. When I’m really depressed, I must look weird. At the supermarket, a young man dropped a carton of yogurts and spiashed yogurt all over me. The check out girl looked at me like I was a ghost. Ditto the cafe server.
I’ve had that happen before, for instance, going to the grocery store after a therapy session, someone will look at me as if I had turned green or something.
Anyhow, doesn’t matter.
I’ve been thinking about what’s going on.
I feel somewhat better about Ron now. I’m no longer as angry or hurt, and I can see there are different ways of looking at things.
One thing I wondered is if I really have DDNOS. Maybe the parts really is regression or some weird thing I’m doing, and Ron is right to discourage it. Things have been quiet internally. Maybe I should concentrate on PTSD problems and forget about parts.
When I read others’ past experiences, my own experience of abuse is not as severe, and I wonder if it could have been severe enough to cause parts. The thing is it did happen when I was a very young child, so maybe that’s why I split like I did. If I did.
Then I wonder if this anger with Ron is part of my anger with men in general. I tend to be more angry than a lot of women are. Partly that has allowed me to do as well as I have I believe. I don’t completely turn it inward, I don’t cut or starve myself. Sometimes I have a fuck you attitude that has allowed me to keep working and to persevere under really tough circumstances.
The bad part is the anger is sometimes not appropriate. I’ve really messed up at jobs because I’d express anger, always at a situation, not a person, but still, it’s seen as unprofessional. I cut people off pretty fast if they hurt me also – like R. I have given up visualizing him dying in agony, but I intensely dislike him at this point.
I wonder how much Ron is actually able to deal with my anger, and how much he just pretends to. He did really hurt my feelings at the end of a session where I attacked him at the beginning. Maybe he was angry also. I’ll never know – he would never admit it. I think it’s inhuman not to experience anger sometimes, when you are attacked.
I was thinking of canceling my next session just to have a break. I do not want to go through another weekend like the last one. If I could see it as healing, that would be one thing. But I’m not sure that depression did anything for me.
A part of me wants to talk about it, and I have dialogues in my head with Ron working out what happened. Part of me does not want to see him again for a while.