Therapy today

Therapy today. Also I went to my 12 step group. There was just one other person there, a very sweet man with anxiety. We managed to fill the hour no problem, and it was kind of nice to have just the two of us, doing the readings and with lots of time to share.

Therapy was not so nice. I ended up fighting with Ron and left the session a few minutes early without saying goodbye. I’m not actually sure I remember a lot of it, as anger is not good for memory.

I know there is mis-communication happening, and Ron seems to be getting defensive, I guess he feels attacked. I was struggling with anger throughout, but the reason in the end I stormed out was our disagreement about how the therapy should go.

It’s something to do with how he treats parts. He says when he’s talking to me, he’s talking to all the parts. But I was trying to explain it doesn’t work like that – he’d need to actually talk to them. Then the kid tried to talk to him, and he responded to me, the adult. Maybe he thinks he’s encouraging the dissociation if he talks to parts. He seems to think he can do regular therapy with them, but he can’t, as they’re too young. They want to talk about kid things, and he wants to talk about serious therapy type subjects.

I felt pretty abandoned when he kept talking to me the adult even though kid parts were trying to talk. Then he explained a bunch of theory that I already know, like for instance how therapy makes you feel bad before it gets better. No kidding. Like he needs to explain to me the pain of therapy, after a year and a half of it. I hate being talked down to.

I’m not explaining very well, maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.

I am wondering if Ron has the knowledge of dissociation I need him to have. Meantime it’s the very kid parts he doesn’t care to talk to that are so massively attached to him.

  1. attached said:

    (((Ellen))) That sounds like a very difficult session. I’m sorry that you and Ron disagree on how he should interact with parts. I think that would make anyone angry. It is hard when you are attached to someone and you disagree with them.

    • Ellen said:

      It is difficult.Thanks Di

  2. Bourbon said:

    Oh I am sorry. I know how much it hurts to have parts of you invalidated like that. My old NHS coordinator wouldn’t talk to kids as kids and wud just continue the convo as if it was me. Didnt go down well at all. I knew deep down I’d need a therapist who spoke to all of us age appropriately and not just worry about exacerbating th dissociation. I don’t believe the kid parts will go away unless they feel seen and heard, personally. That’s why I hadto take the leap into private. Do you think a move is on the cards for you? Thinking of you x

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Bourbon, It does hurt, thank you. I thought also I was trying to let the kid parts out more. It feels like a good thing to me when that happens. Not sure why now it’s not according to Ron. I too went private – if I went to a psych, he would pump me full of meds, end of story. Psychiatrists are covered here, no one else. I might need to look for a new T, but the prospect is very painful.

  3. sounds very difficult. i think it is def. worth examining if he has the skills to continue this work. did you know there is a program at north york hospital (i think), on dissociation, with the top doctor in canada in the field. i know a few people who have done it. it’s just a one week program…if i can dig up some more info i’ll email it to you, c.

    • Ellen said:

      I’d be interested in the program Catherine if you find out any more. Thank you

  4. aallegoric said:

    I’m sorry it didn’t go well… I hope you can talk it over next time. And maybe he’ll understand how it doesn’t help you if he ignores the kid parts and doesn’t respond to them…

    • Ellen said:

      We will definitely talk it over next time. Thanks Allegoric

  5. Neloran said:

    Wow, I can definitely see how that is difficult. I had a past therapist who outright refused to talk to anyone unless they responded to the name of the body (consequently, NO ONE responds to the name of the body – even in my personal & professional life, people know to call me by a “nickname” that sounds nothing like my legal name).

    So – it didn’t go very well! We had many sessions where we stormed out frustrated/angry and feeling invalidated.

    Of course, you seem to have built a rapport and much better relationship with your therapist then in my example. Hopefully you can talk to him and help him understand. I think it is VERY important for a trauma specialist to not only be knowledgeable about dissociation but when it comes to parts, be able to facilitate healing with all parts individually while supporting your internal cooperation.

    • Ellen said:

      I can see why that would not go well for you. Sometimes help is so unhelpful. Interesting we share the ‘storming out’ experience. 🙂

      I’m not totally sure how identical the situation is with my kind of parts and DID. Sometimes I think there are so many similarities it’s almost the same thing, other times, I’m not sure anymore.

      I do have a rapport with Ron. That’s one reason this is so painful for me. If I really thought he was an idiot, I’d be well rid of him, but I don’t think that.

      Thanks very much for your insights.

  6. weareonebyruth said:

    Hi Ellen,
    I would get very frustrated with my counselor. I kept trying to explain certain concepts and it was like we just weren’t talking about the same thing. I finally decided that unless you actually experience parts it is really hard to understand them. I was lucky that my sister would respond to all the parts age appropriately. My counselor was pretty stubborn about wanting me to integrate. This is when I started using more of my pictures and art work to try to express what I felt. Sounds like your time is very frustrating.
    Take care,

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for sharing your experience, as you worked through this successfully especially. I just think a therapist should make it his business to understand, and if he doesn’t, to keep an open mind. I am fine with the goal of integration, there’s no problem with that for me, just he seems to want it to happen next week, without further ado. You’re lucky you are artistic. And to have your sister’s support. Hugs

  7. Cat's Meow said:

    How very frustrating! One of the problems for those of us who are dissociative, but not to the extreme of DID, is that there is such a wide range of experience. I think that it can make it harder for Ts (without a huge amount of experience in this area) to have a clear idea of what effective and appropriate treatment would look like. Would it be possible to search out a book or journal article that describes working with child parts in a way that appeals to you? You could bring it to Ron and talk about how you would like to give that approach a try.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, I could do that. I’ve just been reading a book on treating PTSD and Trauma. I kind of doubt Ron would go for a book recommendation from me though – he prides himself on being well read.

      It is frustrating, and you’re right, I’m feeling like I fall through the cracks a bit, not being DID but still dissociative. I am getting the idea though, especially through all the comments, that there are different things that can be tried, and there’s not just one path through this, the way I thought there was.


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