This week

I’ve been having a difficult week. I’m prone to seeing the worst case scenarios at the moment.

I’m worried about my health. That’s unusual for me actually – I usually take physical good health for granted. I’ve been having digestive issues, and now I’ve started feeling nauseous on top of that. So of course I look up the symptoms of cancer, and yes, nausea can be a symptom.

I’m hoping what it is is the allergy pills I’ve been taking. I’m sensitive to pills, and I was wondering, since I’ve been on them for a month, if they’ve started giving me stomach issues. Tomorrow I’ll either not take one or take half a pill and see if that helps at all.

I’m feeling like my therapy isn’t helping me. Of course, that’s stupid, I know, it doesn’t help all at once.

I feel mistrustful of Ron. That he knows what he’s doing. That he cares about me.

I have been feeling betrayed by my friend R who didn’t call me back. I wonder what went wrong. But it’s a deeper feeling, as if this was a serious betrayal by someone whom I trusted. And I know it wasn’t. We weren’t that close. We didn’t know each other that long. There was no obligation really, beyond the courtesy of replying to a phone call perhaps.

Yet I feel like this. I know this pain, I’ve felt it before. It hits me in the pit of my stomach, like a knock-out punch. And I’ve mixed it up with my feelings about Ron too, as if he too has abandoned me.

I know it’s not true. Yet I feel like that.

So, nauseous and betrayed. What a combination.

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8 comments
  1. Ellen, I can so very much relate to this post. Especially:

    “I know this pain, I’ve felt it before. It hits me in the pit of my stomach, like a knock-out punch. And I’ve mixed it up with my feelings about Ron too, as if he too has abandoned me.”

    You worded this so well. This is exactly what it’s like. Something I know all too well. Something that gets mixed up with feelings from the present. Something we project onto those who are closest to us since we feel abandoned by everyone.

    I don’t have much in the way of advice. Just wanted you to know that I’m reading and thinking of you. xx

  2. attached said:

    ((Ellen)) I’m sorry that you aren’t feeling physically healthy. I think that makes everything else in life more difficult to manage. That is how I felt last week. I hope that you can fix the nausea by changing your allergy medication. Have you seen an allergist? I use a nasal spray that controls my allergies locally not systemically (by taking a pill that effects your entire system). That may not be helpful but I thought I would mention it. I can relate to feelings from the past getting mixed up in the present especially with a therapist. I hope you feel better soon.

    Di

    • Ellen said:

      It does seem to have been the claritin! I feel quite a bit better tonight, so once again, probably not dying. 🙂 Never saw an allergist. I might not need anything else to get me through the season, but if I do, I’ll try a nasal spray and treat my allergies locally. Great advice, thank you. Feelings about therapists are so wonky. Thx.

  3. Bourbon said:

    Intestinal issues really gets me down. Especially when the nausea hits. Sounds like it could be related to the new meds. The massive issues that put my partner in hospital recently were down to his meds and that was all related to his intestines. (Only put in hospital bcause of his failing liver don’t worry not saying you’re going to end up in hospital!). I was having strong feelings of abandonment yesterday to do with Cat. I just sat with them and eventually they passed. Hoping this passes for you soon too xx

    • Ellen said:

      It’s actually difficult to focus on much else when nauseous I find. It did seem to be the allergy meds, so I’ve stopped taking them. That’s great news for me, that it’s not more serious. I’m so sorry about your partner’s health troubles, they do sound very severe.

      Abandonment issues are hard to deal with and I’m sorry you had them too. Part of the healing territory perhaps.

      Thanks Bourbon

  4. weareonebyruth said:

    Hugs Ellen, my computer decided to stop following your blog without my knowing. I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. Allowing the parts can be difficult because I felt like I didn’t know what they would do. I have similar type discussions with my parents. Now my mother usually leaves when I come over to the house. It doesn’t bother me much any more. Take care,
    Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Ruth. So glad you found me again!

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