E. You don’t have any coffee, tea, ice tea, soft drinks today?
E. I’m not sure what I want to talk about today. I did go to the doctor….she doesn’t think I have cancer, but I have something so I have to see a specialist.
R. Did the doctor do tests, ultra-sound, cat scan?
E. No. She’s just referred me on.
E. So after last session, I was realizing that I do a lot of things just in my mind….so I went back to the 12 step group, where I thought people didn’t like me last time. It was OK. Yeah, maybe they didn’t like what I said last time, but it was over, and this time we got along, I liked talking with them, it was fine.
E. But my friend J – I don’t even feel like talking to her, I’m not calling her. I’m just angry with her.
E. And R, well, I did call R, since I missed him. He hasn’t called me back, so I feel bad about that.
E. And work, well, it’s OK. It’s easier this contract, because I’m dealing with women on this project, middle aged women. Last project the manager was this young guy – I liked him, he was smart, but he made me kind of anxious. I’ve been taking some medications again for meetings….
R. What do you take?
E. Oh, a beta-blocker, just half a pill. I don’t even feel it really, but it does help.
R. So what made you start taking it again, when you were saying you felt less anxious.
E. Huh, yeah that’s true. Well for a while I was trying to do without any meds, but then, I don’t know….I started taking it so I could concentrate, it seems to block things out so I can concentrate on work, and then meetings go better for me if I take it….it doesn’t last that long, only about two hours, so it’s not like I’m drugged all day or anything.
E. So….I’m feeling pretty anxious – like I’m scared to be here.
R. Well, keep talking, let’s see what that’s about.
E. OK. Well….I’ve been trying to accept parts. I used to just forget about them, except when they came out by mistake, or in therapy. But in between, I’d pretend they weren’t there. So I’ve been trying to allow them space. For instance we went for a walk, and I found if I listened, I could allow them to be there. The kid really wanted to go for a walk in the park one day, so I listened, and we went, and the kid parts were really happy.
E. But….well, I could hear the kid chatting. And then the teenager part of me that’s pretty dark.
R. What does that part say?
E. Well, she’s pretty negative. She wants to die…But anyway, I allowed that to be there too. So I thought I did well. But then…we got back home, and it was difficult. I couldn’t do anything. I really needed to cook, and I couldn’t. It was like a wall was stopping me.
R. Do you think that could be a part too, that stops you from doing things?
E. Maybe you could look at it like that.
R. I think you have an important part of you that works to suppress and stop you from expressing yourself.
E. Maybe. Anyway, there was no food, I had to cook, so I took a xanax, and then I could get dinner.
I’m not sure if this is an actual part, like Ron is saying. To me it feels more like a wall that stops me from doing the things I need to do, for some reason. Sometimes it’s there and it’s so strong, it just paralyzes me.
E. So what do you think?
R. Do I think it’s a good thing to allow parts of yourself? I think in the short term it’s going to be painful, but in the long term, it will help you.
I guess I was looking for a pat on the back for allowing these parts to be there. Ron is thinking more of the fact that when I got home, I had some problems.
to be continued….