Glumly

Therapy today was either  a waste of time or else it stirred up feelings that are really upsetting me. I’ve stayed in bed mostly since then.

Parts didn’t end up talking to Ron, not directly anyway. When that happens, I end up feeling super lonely after the session. He is the only person to talk to them, or the only one who knows he is talking to parts anyway. It makes me sad that no one but me got to talk.

We also talked about my visit to my parents. Probably that upset me also.

So I’ve sent off an email to Ron complaining about the session I guess. Not just complaining – I wanted to explain about parts needing to talk. And….I just feel sometimes he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be someone who dissociates. He is trying to do therapy on me as if I was in one piece and I’m not sure it’s working too well.

So then I think of looking for someone else. Once I can climb out of this depression enough to do so. Why can’t I be one of the clients who just think their T is wonderful? A support, a listening ear, their life raft in stormy seas? I don’t feel like that but I’d like to. Life is hard enough without therapist problems added to the mix.

I wonder if some of the trouble I had communicating with Ron was that I knuckled down before the appointment and did some work? I think I lock down all other parts in order to concentrate on work – maybe they couldn’t get unlocked down enough to emerge in therapy after that.

My other source of woe, besides that my therapist doesn’t understand me, is I left a message for my friend R and he never called me back. So I feel sad and bereft. Not sure what went wrong on his end, but I’m sorry we couldn’t build a friendship. I feel kind of betrayed actually. He never did say what went wrong.

And Ron can’t help me with this. He avoids the topic when I mention it. Anything else I mention, he acts interested and asks questions, but R – nope. I know it’s tough for him because he will know what is on R’s mind and can’t tell me. But….I would have liked to discuss it.

So I feel unconnected to Ron and sad about R.

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16 comments
  1. attached said:

    I’m sorry that R didn’t return your call. I think it must be incredibly hard knowing that Ron can’t discuss R with you. It is too bad that he can’t discuss your feelings about R though. I hope that sending Ron an email helped you process your session and helps you pull out of the depression.

    thinking of you,
    di

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Di. It is hard. I feel rejected by both of them and have fallen into a hole. Thanks for writing to me right away! So kind. 🙂

  2. Here listening. Your parts have spoken at times on this blog. Maybe they should come in and talk for a bit? We care, we are here and we are listening. It may not be the same as Ron or people “IRL” but it is something.

    Please be easy on yourself and let this pass, as it shall. Remember, let a little part of yourself know that this will pass and better moments will come around again.

    • Ellen said:

      It means a lot that you are out there listening to me Aaron. I cried when I got your comment….to have someone support me when I feel down like this is so nice. It’s better than most things IRL.

      I’ll take your advice and maybe I’ll have a part write also…. Thank you

      • Of course you have my support, as well as the many other readers and commenters here. You are going through a tough time as all of us have and will again…

        I was thinking, you could watch that show In Treatment (from HBO) to see how Ron feels during therapy…then I was like, no, that would be depressing as the therapist on that show is totally wacko. Haha… 🙂

        We are all just doing our best here, Ellen. Nobody expects you to be perfect. Just be who you are, that is quite enough. Take care now.

        • Ellen said:

          I was fascinated by In Treatment Aaron. Don’t worry, I am not a sensitive plant when it comes to books / movies / TV. Paul did go off the rails when he thought he was in love with a (hugely younger) patient….But he cared so much about his, um, patients, and the show was so subtle and interesting…I really liked it a lot. The show did indicate how therapists do not have their personal lives all figured out much more than their clients do.

          Thanks!

  3. leb105 said:

    that seems like a great idea! to ventilate your parts, here.
    pretty glum, at my end, also.
    one of the frustrations of being in therapy (in general, I think) is that the T doesn’t read your mind and fill in your gaps as you wish they would. they expect you to ask for what you want. you have to feel that lack, in order to know what you want.

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you also are feeling glum. It’s actually good for us to feel that lack and ask for what we want. Sometimes though I do wish Ron used his intuition more often. He does have it, he just doesn’t use it much.

      Thanks for commenting

  4. i seem to remember that the last time you reached out to R it took him a while to return your call, and as it turned out it was nothing to do with you, but that he was depressed and couldn’t motivate himself to reach out to anyone. so i think it might be okay to reserve judgment for now and give him some time.

    as for your therapist, i think these feelings of connection come and go, at least that’s been my experience. how long have you been with ron? i have been with sharon for almost three years, and it’s only been this last year that i am able to hold that connection with her during and in between sessions (and with that connection, the feelings of mutual respect and understanding). we have had some serious misunderstandings, and some very hurt feelings on my part when we went to meeting once a week from twice a week, but we do spend lots of time talking about our connection. in fact, we often come back around to the topic of how we relate to each other, what i think of her, and more importantly, what she thinks of me.

    i guess what i’m saying is that if your connection is an issue then you should 100% bring it up with ron, and not just in an email, but in person. ask him what he thinks of you. and tell him what you think of him. how much you dislike him, how hurt you are, how disappointed you are, how he doesn’t really listen to you. he will help you work through this. this is the important work of therapy.

    i am back to oakville tomorrow to finish up a school project, but hope you can find time for a nice, slow walk in the park,

    c.

    • Ellen said:

      I nearly called R up yesterday to give him a piece of my mind. Thank goodness I didn’t do that. I don’t think he’ll call me back, but it’s true, I don’t know that. The time you’re talking about I hadn’t called him – we just had verbally agreed we’d probably go and do something, but that he would call, and he didn’t. Well, it was similar. Anyway, I’m getting over it. I hate it when people don’t call me back though.

      Interesting what you say about connection. I’ve been with Ron one and a half years. He’s never told me how he views me, though we’ve discussed how I think of him. I just don’t think he would say he saw me negatively, even if he does. So what’s the point? But….maybe it should be more of a discussion. I often fear he doesn’t like me, such a sad feeling.

      Ron is very good at dealing with anger, even directed at him. Even the email I just sent him, where I wasn’t too complimentary about his therapy, and vaguely threatened to quit, he replied by offering me an extra session, and didn’t seem mad at all. Anyhoo.

      Are you in school now? That’s really excellent – good for you. A slow park walk would be good. 🙂

      take care

      • Yep, back in school. So tired!!! Getting up at 5 a.m. to get to Oakville for 8 a.m. Then three hours of classes, work in the lab, etc. I love it but I’m also exhausted by the end of the day.

        I sometimes don’t return calls or emails when I am depressed or struggling. I find it hard to reach out when I’m feeling low. I know it’s rude, but I just can’t help it. Give it time.

        I think you might be surprised by Ron’s response. I remember how shocked I was when Sharon asked me to think about all the ways *she* was connected to me, not only how I was connected to her. It took me by surprise. Go ahead and try it out, it might be interesting.

        C

        • Ellen said:

          Well, I’m very impressed, especially with your recent health crisis. Wow. I would be exhausted also. I’m happy for you!

          Your saying that about depression has made me re-think the call situation. I have also felt like that – depressed and almost unable to respond to anyone. It could be. I guess time will tell.

          I may ask how Ron feels about me….Interesting how that helped you.

          take care

  5. Bourbon said:

    I so know what you mean there. With my old T when my parts were “stuck inside” for whatever reason (often because I went to T straight after work) I always left feeling … unfulfilled and empty. Definitely worth bringing these concerns up. I hope you feel better soon xx

    • Ellen said:

      That’s exactly what happens with me Bourbon. It’s so important to shut things down for work, it becomes impossible to open them up ‘on demand’. Thanks for understanding

  6. I went through a period of months where almost every session, my kids would come out, curl up under a blanket, and just soak in feeling safe. It meant so much to me to not have to have my guard up and know that there was someone else there who I could trust to keep an eye out for me. To some extent it felt frustrating, because I would feel like I was “wasting” time in session, but I actually think that it went a long way towards helping me learn how to connect my kids to a feeling of safety when I was not in session.

    I’m not sure if this is very helpful… I guess that I am trying to say is that I support you in listening to what your parts say that they need. I think that both the listening and the trying to give them what they ask for are both very important, even if what they are saying that they need doesn’t seem to make sense to you.

    I am saddened to hear how much you do not feel understood by Ron. I can’t imagine working with a T whom I feel isn’t at least making a real effort to understand and connect with me. How much have you talked about your experience with your parts with Ron? Has he read about treating dissociative abuse survivors? Has he shown signs of at least trying to understand both you and how dissociation works?

    Much support!

  7. Ellen said:

    I totally get what you’re saying Cat about the relief of allowing parts to emerge and it being OK. Even if they don’t talk about ‘therapy topics’. Last session, my kid wanted to talk about the pets we’ve had in our life, so the topic was cats. lol. And it felt really great to me.

    Your advice is helpful and I agree with it. Just hard to do because the habit of suppression is so strong.

    It’s not coming across in this post, but I am very fond of Ron actually. He does make an effort. I think he is feeling his way a bit with me, but he does know how dissociation works. He seems a little changeable in how he works with me as a person with parts – sometimes he seems to forget the situation, like this session. He is very open to being reminded though. He is a good guy.

    Excellent to meet you on my blog!

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