Therapy today was either a waste of time or else it stirred up feelings that are really upsetting me. I’ve stayed in bed mostly since then.
Parts didn’t end up talking to Ron, not directly anyway. When that happens, I end up feeling super lonely after the session. He is the only person to talk to them, or the only one who knows he is talking to parts anyway. It makes me sad that no one but me got to talk.
We also talked about my visit to my parents. Probably that upset me also.
So I’ve sent off an email to Ron complaining about the session I guess. Not just complaining – I wanted to explain about parts needing to talk. And….I just feel sometimes he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be someone who dissociates. He is trying to do therapy on me as if I was in one piece and I’m not sure it’s working too well.
So then I think of looking for someone else. Once I can climb out of this depression enough to do so. Why can’t I be one of the clients who just think their T is wonderful? A support, a listening ear, their life raft in stormy seas? I don’t feel like that but I’d like to. Life is hard enough without therapist problems added to the mix.
I wonder if some of the trouble I had communicating with Ron was that I knuckled down before the appointment and did some work? I think I lock down all other parts in order to concentrate on work – maybe they couldn’t get unlocked down enough to emerge in therapy after that.
My other source of woe, besides that my therapist doesn’t understand me, is I left a message for my friend R and he never called me back. So I feel sad and bereft. Not sure what went wrong on his end, but I’m sorry we couldn’t build a friendship. I feel kind of betrayed actually. He never did say what went wrong.
And Ron can’t help me with this. He avoids the topic when I mention it. Anything else I mention, he acts interested and asks questions, but R – nope. I know it’s tough for him because he will know what is on R’s mind and can’t tell me. But….I would have liked to discuss it.
So I feel unconnected to Ron and sad about R.