This time I can’t remember my therapy session very clearly. It’s as if parts are fuzzed out. Now I understand when people tell me they don’t have much idea what was talked about in their session.
Sorry if it’s boring. I’ve decided to keep getting it down, but feel free to skip if it’s tedious.
Traffic has increased again so I’m a minute or so late. Oh yeah, September, everyone’s back from holidays and on the roads. It takes an extra ten minutes to get there.
I’m super anxious. I tend to be anxious before therapy, though that has been calming down, and now I’ve had anxiety all week, plus I’m worried about my doctor’s appointment which is right after my session. Whew.
Ron’s small office is warm and humid. He doesn’t like to use his AC much. He looks super pale in a pale shirt and khaki pants. Eyes grey today, not dark like sometimes. I arrange the pillows and blankets on the couch more to my liking.
I tell Ron I how anxious I was the days after the last session.
R. What do you think caused that?
E. I don’t know.
R. We were talking about your troubles with men.
E. Yeah, that might have been it. And I had this feeling like maybe you didn’t like me. I wrote you an email.
R. Yes. Do you remember why you thought that?
E. Not really. It just felt like….this swirling huge vortex of anxiety, and a part of me was standing to the side, trying to consider what the reason might be. One reason was that you don’t like me. Also….I’ve been having a health concern, so I thought I might have cancer, so I freaked about that.
Ron looks concerned. (Thank you Ron for looking concerned.)
R. What’s the health concern?
E. Oh – it’s digestive issues. I’ve had this before, but this time it was really bad, pain and some bleeding. But there are other things it could be – it isn’t necessarily cancer.
There’s a faint tapping sound, so Ron gets up to check the door. There’s no one there. When he gets back, I’ve lost the thread of what we were talking about.
E. So…when is your group starting?
R. I’m not sure I’m going to run it. I need at least six people. A few are sitting on the fence. What about you – did you want to go back?
I’m surprised the group might not be happening, and kind of taken aback. I was counting on it actually.
E. Yes, I thought I would.
R. Well, then I only need one more. So I’ll likely start in October.
R. You especially seemed to think I didn’t like you in the group.
E. Oh yeah, man, that’s true. It was really bad in the group.
R. Why do you think that’s the case?
E. I kind of think it’s parts. The kid parts don’t understand why you don’t talk to them. And kids don’t do therapy. I understand – you don’t do small talk with anybody else either – we don’t talk about your vitamin water or whatever.
R. No, I don’t do small talk. But sometimes kids have very direct and vulnerable things to say.
E. Not right off the bat like that. And in the group, when they did talk, it was mostly unhelpful at that point.
E. I felt like other people didn’t like me as well, last week. For instance I went to my 12-step group, and it seemed like the people there….well, usually I have no problem with that group, but this time I felt rejected. People come there with so many different perspectives. Some are really self-helpy, and into positive thinking. I hate positive thinking.
E. Other people are there to work through emotions. But….if I express how I feel…sometimes that seems to threaten some of the people there, because they don’t do that. So I was anxious, and it seemed like two of the men there, whom I thought liked me, really responded badly to what I was saying.
R. What did they do?
E. Well, it was more their expressions.
R. What were the expressions?
I make a face, wide open horrified mouth, startled eyes. Ron smiles. I smile too.
E. Well, maybe without the mouth part.
R. So you felt the leader of the group didn’t like you, I didn’t like you….
We sit and think about this.
to be continued.