Back from both back to back therapy and doctor’s appointment. The doctor has somewhat reassured me. She says I’ve basically got too many symptoms for this type of cancer to be very likely. I could have irritable bowel or some other disorder. I do have to go for a gross and uncomfortable test just to be sure though. I knew already I’d have to have this done. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, probably in a few months.
I’m glad I dealt with this medical issue fast though. My usual pattern is to wait until something is unbearable…..so this time I’m glad I just went on in.
Have I mentioned I like my doctor? She’s cool. She’s maybe in her early sixties, she wears funky glasses and earrings which the kid likes, she wears cheerful non-corporate type clothes. She exudes a kind of down-to-earthness and matter of factness that I really find comforting. Not held in and WASPy like me. I read while I wait for her, and she asks me what I’m reading, then says she’s just finished a book by that same author whom she loves. Which I’ll put on my reading list. She says she reads a lot, which I didn’t know.
She reassures me and tells me not to worry.
I’m not sure I can remember my therapy the way I usually do this time. I was very anxious – maybe anxiety erases memory a bit.
I find it difficult to talk in therapy. I sit there, I want to heal, but I don’t know how to do it. Then when I do start in on a current difficulty, it’s like there’s a part of me that’s screaming that this is not what I should be talking about. Which is discouraging. What then should I be talking about?
The overall theme was my relationships and how they’re going wrong. My friendship with J, where she made fun of me when I was depressed. I touch on the fact that I miss R, but this doesn’t really go anywhere. My impression is Ron knows too much inside info about R, which he can’t tell me, and so….it makes talking about my feelings about him awkward. We talk about my 12 step group, which went badly for me last time. Usually I have no issues with that group, but last meeting I felt rejected by two of the men in the group whom I like and who I thought liked me.
My habit when things go wrong is to retreat. I’m tempted to give tonight’s meeting a miss, but now I think I won’t. I’ll go and face my fears of rejection.
I’m going to post on this in more detail later. Time for a nap now.