I want to do one of those hopeful posts where things are getting better but it’s not today, because things are not better today.
I’ve been working from home. I am horribly lonely. And if I go in to work, I’ll also be alone for a good part of my day, because I have no friends there. Just people to say hi to, but no one who wants to talk with me more than that.
Now I feel ungrateful, it’s not so terrible, I have enormous freedom after all. But the loneliness is bad. And I’m not interested in the work. Most of it. Small bits are interesting.
I know everyone doesn’t get to have interesting work or good relationships. But this is me, and I don’t care, it hurts.
Because I can’t concentrate very well, I’ve started taking a mild short acting medication when trying to work. It helps with the concentration, but I think it’s making me depressed. I was so overwhelmingly exhausted or down twice today, I lay down and dozed. Once is more normal, but twice is not good.
Today I woke up missing my friend R. Or former friend R. I still feel these warm feelings about him, and have this feeling he is not judging me when the rest of the world seems to be. I know if I called him and we met again, I would start craving to see him, so I’m waiting it out, letting the wish to see him fade, letting the hope that he’ll phone me fade away. Once I’ve got over it, that will be one less problem for me. But it’s sad at the same time. Why can’t I handle a simple friendship that we both enjoyed?
I am noticing how I re-create my family situation in my life. I was on the outside in my family, kind of a scapegoat. My sister and brother were close. My mother preferred my siblings, especially my brother, my father couldn’t handle my rebelliousness, so cut me dead completely as a teenager. So I was completely alone, except for two friends I’d made at school. It wasn’t enough. Most of my time was spent with my family, completely alone but with them.
I’ve been thinking what that must have felt like. It must have been like some of the depression feelings I feel today – like being barely alive, no one seeing me, no one talking to me. It feels like being lost in a forest.
I need to get it together to make something to eat and wash the dishes. Then maybe I’ll go for a slow run.