I’ve been feeling scared. I was relieved not to be stuck in depression and having anxiety instead. But after a day of fear, this definitely sucks also.

I do have a health concern, pain that I’ve been having off and on, and haven’t quite got it together to go to the doctor about it yet. This weekend I’ve got some bleeding along with pain. So immediately I think it could be cancer. There is a cancer with these symptoms. So I’m freaked out. Of course it’s the start of a long weekend, so I have several days to wait before I can even phone for an appointment.

The pain of this is steady but not very severe. If I knew what it was I’d feel better. But it has been getting worse, and I should have gone in about it sooner.

I also lost quite a bit of weight about a year ago without trying. Pretty unusual. Cancer symptom. Though it wasn’t in the last few months. I changed my diet about two – three years ago (eliminated wheat) so I was thinking that was it.

Thought I’d write it here to see if it helps.

Last night I also came down with the strong conviction that Ron doesn’t like me. That thought fills me with anxiety always. I wrote to him about it and he wrote back today saying we can explore this next week.

I don’t really feel better but maybe the fear is not really about him.

Then in therapy on Friday we did explore a nightmare I had. It upset me to talk about it, and talking made the fear I felt when I dreamed it come alive in a big way.

So maybe it’s the dream.

Then it’s a long weekend so far spent alone. Though I did go out and shop and sit in a cafe, and often I enjoy that. It’s beautiful weather, and I feel I should be taking advantage of it, and don’t really want to. I actually prefer overcast days a lot of the time – it’s like there’s less pressure to get out and enjoy life. Which I can’t do no matter what the weather is anyway.

  1. sorry you aren’t feeling well. don’t ignore it, like i did, (yes, i ended up needing emergency surgery — wednesday this week, haven’t written about it yet)… the weather has been lovely and i hope you visited your tree in the park. i know you enjoy that. thinking of you, and hope it gets resolved soon, c.

  2. Ellen said:

    Aack, Catherine, I’m sorry to hear about your emergency! I think in my case I’m looking at a slow lingering death actually. Well hopefully not. The tree in the park is a good idea….And a friend just phoned so we will meet.

    Are you recovering at home? How are you feeling? Do you need anything?

    Thanks for responding so quickly – you really helped.

  3. Hey Ellen, My only thought is to say that so many times, even when symptoms appear to be a “slam dunk” of something bad (such as cancer), it ends up being totally benign.

    I’ve seen that happen a few times, where even doctors and x-rays said something looked bad, and it ended up being nothing at all…or something relatively okay.

    At the same time, you should go to a Dr just to alleviate the concern and make sure.

    I am thinking of you and hope you feel less anxious soon…


    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Aaron. So true. Even on the internet, they list lots of other problems this could be that aren’t fatal at all. A friend invited me over for dinner and she said I don’t look in the least sick. It’s true, I don’t feel fatigued or ill at all. So it may be fine.

      Thank you for being so reassuring.

  4. Bourbon said:

    It sounds as if you are explaining the symptoms that my partner is ill with at the moment. He looked it up online too: bad mistake, he said. His is “just” a reaction to steroids. I know how much worry drags you down though so I hope you manage to pluck up the courage to go get it checked out soon. As someone said to me yesterday: you deserve to be cared about. When it is a toss up between anxiety and depression I always go with depression (though having a choice isn’t actually realistic!) Anxiety is the worst. I’m sorry you’ve been facing it all day. I hope tomorrow is better for you. xxx

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, it’s probably a mistake to look things up, but irresistible at the same time. I tend to avoid the doctor because I hate tests and being poked and prodded, but in this case I’m going to have to go.

      I’m also on the fence about whether anxiety or depression is easier to deal with! It does depend on the severity. I actually find I can still function with anxiety, provided it’s not too high, but depression just lays me low entirely.

      I am feeling a lot better today. Thanks Bourbon.

  5. Maren said:

    Just the other day, my friend and I were talking about which we’d rather have Anxiety or Depression.
    I thought anxiety was a little easier to deal with than depression. When I’m depressed it’s like a physical pain but no energy whatsoever and a loss of hope. At least with anxiety, there is some energy (too much!).
    Also, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought I had cancer and it turned out to be something “normal”…for me that just goes along with my generally high anxiety level.

    • Ellen said:

      I find anxiety easier also, for just that reason, I can still do things, up to a point. A few times I’ve had anxiety so bad I’m praying for depression instead, but not often.

      Thanks for sharing about the cancer fear – I see the doc Friday and have calmed down, I know there are other things this could be.

      Take care

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